Oh Shit! With just a few days left before the big day, if you are like me there are still far too many people on your Christmas list who deserve to be dumped on. If you are a traditionalist, you can always fall back on that old standard of a lump of coal in their stocking. But the advent of on-line shopping has expanded your boundaries and offers even greater riches for gifts for people you really didn’t want to give a gift to in the first place. Better yet, if you got suckered in to turning some of your hard earned cash into Bitcoins, there’s finally a place to dump those puppies too. And ya know how satisfying two dumps in one can be.

Just imagine the faces of all the people who annoy you the most when the postal service delivers your gift to their door. Happy. Expectant. Full of the greedy joy of the holiday season. Now turn those happy smiles upside down. ‘Cuz there’s nothing that will put a look of disgust on your not-loved ones faces quicker than opening a box filled with shit. And don’t worry that you are starting an annual holiday shit war either. Like that fruitcake you keep mailing back and forth with your aunt. ‘Cuz your gift gets sent totally anonymously and they’ll never be able to track down your scent.

ShitExpress, the internet’s only sustainable shit delivery service, promises privacy, anonymity, reliability, and speed. Not to mention that all important smell. The company will send horse manure (more types will be added in the future, as should be expected from a respected poop delivery service) anywhere in the world for you, including packaging (you can choose to send it in a plain box or disguised as a fancy, expensive gift), shipping, a personalized letter and a message telling the recipient to be a better human being.

Of course, anyone can just take a dump in a box and send it off to the lucky recipient. But ShitExpress packages theirs in an earth-friendly container that doesn’t give the surprise away until it’s opened. And that bastard you send it to is undoubtedly greedy and will pop the lid before bothering to see who it is from or what the enclosed gift card has to say. So you can be assured he’ll be having a very smelly Christmas!