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Hollywood has become so gay that even straight celebrities want to get in on the act.

Hollywood has become so gay that even straight celebrities want to get in on the act.

When I started this blog a mere three plus years ago a regular feature was my Gay of the Week post in which I shinned the spotlight on hot male celebrities who might have been gay, or probably were gay, or were not at all gay but someone every gay man in the world wished was. There was the occasional Out This Week post too whenever some famous dude finally admitted to what everyone else had already guessed. Those were popular posts. Because playing Guess The Gay has always been a popular pastime. And everyone always appreciates a photo or two of Channing Tatum in his underwear.

I haven’t posted one of those articles in quite some time. Celebrities coming out has gone from being a rarity to becoming a weekly event. It’s difficult to remember who is officially out and whose coming out announcement you missed these days. That Honey Boo Boo’s mom is bedding a convicted child molester is news, that her uncle is gay not so much. The media has become so used to celebrities coming out that the tabloids no longer speculate about who is gay but instead print rumors about which famous gay man’s marriage is on the rocks.

Part of that is because a lot of those celebrities were so visibly gay that no one was fooled to begin with. A larger part is that the breeders of the world have become so used to famous men declaring their love for other men that coming out stories are barely good for a single news cycle. Being openly gay may have once been the kiss of death for a celebrity’s career, but these days it’s assumed every male celebrity is a little bit queer. No one who has come out over the last few years has put either their fame or fortune in jeopardy for doing so. Okay, so Steve Jobs’ statue in Russia got pulled down because Tim Cook came out, but everyone else has, if anything, seen their career rise.

Channing Tatum made a bet with co-star Jonah Hill that if 21 Jump Street broke $35 million during its opening weekend Hill would have to kiss the head of Tatum's dick. That doesn't make Tatum gay.  But does make for a good excuse to remind us why we wish he was.

Channing Tatum made a bet with co-star Jonah Hill that if 21 Jump Street broke $35 million during its opening weekend Hill would have to kiss the head of Tatum’s dick. That doesn’t make Tatum gay. But does make for a good excuse to remind us why we wish he was.

We’ve yet to see a major A-List celebrity come out. But seriously, if either Tom or John ever do you’d better not blink or you’ll miss that story. Minor celebrities, however, have been coming out in droves. So much so that their coming out has to have some special twist or it barely gets reported. When Tom Daley did the news wasn’t about him being gay but rather about the horror of him dating an ‘older’ man. And the only reason anyone is waiting for Bruce Jenner to make the announcement is that we’ve yet to see a male celebrity come out as a lesbian. And he’d better hurry up or James Franco will beat him to the punch.

Being an openly gay celebrity has become so popular that even the straight stars are trying to get in on the game. Franco has made a career of it. It seems hardly a week passes that Zac Efron hasn’t made some tease about his love of dick. And Nick Jonas has been so busy courting and teasing gay fans that you wish Neal Patrick Harris would just fuck him and get it over with.

It wasn’t that long ago that Google’s predictive results suggested ‘gay’ as one of the top choices on any search of a hot male celebrity’s name. In fact, if you searched Tom Cruise – not that anyone has in the last five years – Google added ‘gay’ to your search whether you wanted it to or not. Google, like the rest of the world, no longer cares. Gay is no longer one of your choices. Even if you give Google a hint by adding a ‘g’, the best it can do is to suggest ‘green beans’. And earlier this week when Ryan Seacrest tied a toy basketball hoop around Nick Jonas’ waist to play crotchball, no one batted an eye. Not even when Ryan said, “This is something I just dream about.”

Nick Jonas isn't gay, but he plays one 24/7 these days.

Nick Jonas isn’t gay, but he plays one 24/7 these days.

In the day when Shia Labeouf blames his arrest during a performance of Cabaret not on being drunk but rather because he couldn’t resist grabbing Alan Cummings’s ass because “he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever seen”, when Adam Levine says Blake Shelton wants to have sex with him for laughs and no one so much as giggles, and when Tyler Ritter considers a newspaper reporter’s error stating he is an openly gay actor to be a compliment, ya know George Michael has got to be wondering why he spent so much time hiding out in public restrooms.

Back in the day, Liberace once sued a tabloid for suggesting he was gay. Today, Michael Douglas won a Golden Globe for boning Matt Damon on film in a movie about Liberace’s life. And Hollywood publicists plant stories in the tabloids about their clients possibly being gay because they know it’s good for business. Not that The Inquirer bothers to print those stories any longer. Unless an alien was involved too. Celebrities’ sexuality was once major fodder for the main stream press. Nowadays if a celebrity coming out make the news it’s only because we’re tired of yet another photo op of Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Unless it’s the gay news media doing the reporting. One of the twinks from One Direction – you’ll have to forgive me for not knowing or caring which is which – wore a T-shirt earlier this week with an Apple logo on it (the original rainbow colored apple) and some idiot reporter claimed it was in support of Apple’s now openly gay CEO Tim Cook. The suggestion was because the boy bander did so, he must be gay. The ‘news’ in the story wasn’t that some member of a boy band was gay – most assume ever member of a boy band is gay – but that someone’s logic was so faulty. That’s how desperate the gay media has become in naming our next gay icon. While the rest of the world doesn’t really care.

Aussie actor Brenton Thwaites just came out if you believe the gay media.

Aussie actor Brenton Thwaites just came out if you believe the gay media.

Today the gay media was all a twitter about some young Aussie actor I’ve never heard of – Brenton Thwaites, who kinda looks like Orlando Bloom on training wheels – responding to a question during an interview about what he looks for in a partner by asking, “Male or female?” The various gay media headlines reporting the not-news all suggested the young star had just came out. Not. He was simply clarifying the ambiguously phrased question, not making a statement about his ambiguous sexuality. And one of the other One Direction twinks who made a similar statement during an interview last week wasn’t implying he likes dick either. Even if he may. He was merely jumping on the Maybe He’s Gay bandwagon. Because that’s what straight celebrities do these days. Which is good for their career. Or at least better than being caught anywhere near one of those photo ops of Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Speculating about which of Hollywood’s hottest male celebrities plays for the pink team was once an honored tradition. But the world has moved on. Fans pretty well know who is and who isn’t these days, and for those who are but haven’t yet said so it’s more of a question of when than if. It’s not like when Bradley Cooper finally does anyone is gonna be surprised. It’s only the gay media that seems to care. And their attempts at claiming another celebrity as one of their own comes off as a bit desperate. Part of the equality we’ve all been working toward is that no one’s sexuality should matter any more than their shoe size does (okay, maybe that’s a bad analogy). Maybe it’s time for The Gays to become as comfortable with celebrities’ sexuality as the straight world is. But then if it wasn’t for erroneous guessing about some hottie’s gayness, I’d never have known about Brenton Thwaites. And my masturbatory fantasies would have suffered greatly.

I did mention Brenton Thwaites, right?

I did mention Brenton Thwaites, right?

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