If you hadn’t noticed, collectively, Thais have some strange habits and peculiar customs. No problemo. They think the same of farang. And while the average sex tourist who only spends time with a bar boy at the bar and then back in his hotel room may seldom encounter the many oddities that fall under the heading of Only In Thailand other than the occasional footprint on his room’s toilet seat, once you begin to expand your socialization efforts beyond that parameter your life becomes rife with the twists Thais have put on everyday life. Undoubtedly no more so than when you decide to share a simple meal with your boy du jour.
From the strange things they eat, to the strange ways they go about doing so, to the fact that what you ordered as an appetizer probably will be served after your main course, dining in Thailand with a local can be a real eye opener. Many a farang has pondered just what it is you are supposed to do with that large spoon, and the array of condiments that are de rigueur on any Thai dining table are confusing enough to make you wish you’d just hit McDonalds and called it a night. Even the concept of a meal changes when it meets Thainess. Thais as a general rule do not eat the three square meals we’re familiar with in the West. Instead they eat smaller portions throughout the day. As often as a Thai stops for food daily, you’d think they all have tapeworms. But their idea of eating a little bit often is actually a more efficient way of burning calories. Unless you really did take your boy du jour to McDonalds.
But the Thai dining custom that perplexes – and often pisses off – farang the most is their twist on the Mexican phrase Mi casa es su casa. In Thai that translates to your food is my food. And what lands on your plate, to a Thai, is always fair game. Dining Thai style means ordering a variety of dishes which everyone shares. And Thais always dine Thai style. It’s their version of the Three Musketeers’ motto of “All for one, one for all”. Which may help explain why that 3 Musketeers bar in your hotel room’s mini-fridge disappeared. Farang will tell you that it’s not about their bar boy eating the mini-fridge empty but rather the over-inflated cost of what they ate. Thais know better. And nothing is worse than a cheap bastard farang. Even on a full stomach.
No Thai would allow an acquaintance to go hungry, so you should understand why bar boys can’t grasp the idea of hands-off when it comes to food. It may take you a while to come to terms with the Thai attitude toward all food being up for grabs, but once you get used to the idea of your boy du jour eating off your plate you’ll realize, like with so many other customs you encounter in Thailand, it’s just one of those things you’ll do better to just accept. Nonetheless, there are some rules that you should insist on when it comes to sharing your food with a hungry bar boy:
McDonalds and Burger King are American institutions and Westerner dining habits rule. It’s okay if he eats some of your french fries. ‘Some’ is defined by three. Otherwise he should have ordered his own. And no one is obligated to allow another person to take a bite out of their Big Mac.
The only time a bar boy should be allowed to share your ice cream cone is when he licks it in a manner that precludes your need for Viagra that night. But the general rule is that if he chose to not get ice cream, he must live with the decision he made.
Once a pizza has been sliced, you are not obligated to allow him to eat yours. Except for the part that has an anchovy on it. And if he asked in Thai for pineapple as a topping, he gets the entire pie.
Backwash is a no-no, so sodas, milkshakes, and fruit juices are not to be shared. Unless he is parched and dying and no other liquids are in sight. Ditto for soup. You should only be forced to swap a trough of saliva when you’re eating bird’s nest soup. Alcohol beverages, on the other hand, should always be shared. ‘Cuz a tipsy bar boy will allow you to do things to him he otherwise would not.
There are some Thai desserts that are tasty; life is not worth living without mango sticky rice. But generally Thai sweets suck ‘cuz they don’t use enough processed sugar. Cake, pie, and other baked goods that keep Westerners in the shape they’ve grown accustom to are not standard fare for Thai palates. And despite how good they taste, they are unhealthy for you. So refusing to share your dessert isn’t about being greedy, it’s about seeing to your boy du jour’s welfare. Except for tiramisu. If he even looks at your tiramisu like he’s getting ready to grab a forkful, you are well within your rights to bitch slap him silly. If he looks hurt, just tell him that’s how you eat tiramisu back home. He’ll probably believe you having heard that rumor before since I started it over ten years ago.
Just because you shared your chicken McNuggets with him doesn’t mean he has to share his fried grasshoppers with you.
Rice is family food and should always be shared. Ditto for noodles except when you’re eating spaghetti. Then you are only obligated to share if he’s willing to reenact that scene from Lady And The Tramp. In fact, more restaurants in Thailand should offer spaghetti on their menu.
Dining with a Thai bar boy can be an enjoyable experience as long as your are firm and fair with your food rules. He may not be happy with your decisions, but will still walk away from the table with a full stomach. Besides part of the 500 baht taxi money he gets out of you at the end of your time together will go toward his next meal anyway.
Related Posts You Might Enjoy: | ||
Mitch S. said:
Wow, you have almost as many rules as Gaybutt when it comes to food! She does have her famous 25 ironclad rules for live-in prostitutes covering everything imaginable from hygiene to financial support of the extended family.
I have good luck eating with Thai friends overall; however, I would generalize that they certainly order more dishes than they can pay for themselves & they definitely like to order more expensive bottles of whiskey than they can afford as well, since I’m footing the bill.
I do have some annoying memories, of course, of blatant over-ordering (i.e., most expensive thing on the menu, or ordering more than they could finish). I could go the rest of my life without another faux “hiso” Sizzler dinner.
I’ve got to tell you that pineapple is far from the oddest pizza topping in Thailand. I am seriously doubting that you’ve even eaten pizza in Thailand, Rush. Corn is much stranger than pineapple on a pizza! Have you even seen the crusts they offer with the extra [bad] cheese or hotdogs stuffed along with rim? Apparently putting ketchup on pizza helps Thai people get it down the gullet. The most frequently ordered topping by Thais is “seafood monstrosity combo” (with shrimp, squid, clams, fake crabstick [maybe pollock, maybe not], mussels, and a few mysterious ingredients that your dining companions will be unable to translate into English). I’d prefer a little pineapple to any of that seafood crud any day!
Bangkokbois said:
I’ve only eaten pizza in Thailand twice. Once at a Pizza Hut and it was that hot dog in the crust you mentioned which I’d forgotten about (you bastard). The other was at a long-time Patpong psuedo girlie host bar, The Madrid, and was surprisingly not bad. Thais are not generally fans of cheese so their love of pizza seems off, but then I’m sure it’s a status thing.
Paul said:
But what’s so different about the food? I love it! 🙂
Bangkokbois said:
I love it too. Just wish they didn’t Americanize Thai food at restaurants here at home.
Alex said:
You’ll be “delighted” to hear that Burger King Thailand currently has the “Hawaiian Ham Whopper’ on offer, for a limited time only. You won’t be surprised to hear that I think it’s actually not that bad. 😛
I’ve got the feeling that encounters with Thais who leave footprints on toilet seats are getting increasingly rare, at least in Bangkok. I had my last encounter of that kind in 2006 [my then-boyfriend’s unworldly brother being the culprit] and my toilet seats have had plenty of exposure, so to speak. Also, most of my dinners with Thais aren’t very eventful as far as odd dining behavior is concerned. Unfortunately, it’s far more common that fellow diners push me to eat more instead of “stealing” food from my plate, which might explain why they’re in a slightly better shape than myself.
Bangkokbois said:
And let me guess: It has bacon on it too.
I’m noticing less and less Thai habits these days too.
I kinda miss them.
Well, not the toilet seat foot prints, but most of them.
Francois said:
When in my home country I sometimes dine with friends at Thai restaurants and suggest we eat “Thai” style and share our dishes. All I get is blank stares and a “no-way-ever” reply. Even worse was suggesting we order a whole fish and share that. But they don’t have any hangups about sharing my bottles of wine.
Bangkokbois said:
I’m just happy back home when the check arrives an my fellow diners agree to go Thai style with that.
🙂
John S said:
the story usually goes like this. you find a lovely boy to spend the day with and its about time to eat. “Where would you like to eat?” says the unsuspecting farang. “Up to you” replies the Thai lad. UPtoyou is all one word and is pronounced with emphasis on the first syllable. Well you think and ponder “how about McDonalds?”. Silence and big pout.
Before I go further I should tell you that Thai boys have raised the pout to an art form. if there was an olympic contest for pouting the Thai male population would all be gold medalists. Not only is pouting an art form its part of the language.
Finally realizing the pout needed a reply the clueless farang says “hmmmmmmmm how about Balcony?” it must be pictured in the mind a lovely thai boy whose face is now all puckered lips in a pout that would have made Marlin Monroe blush. “Ok the M and K.” This announcement is met with a big thai smile thatlights up his face and he nodes with enthusiasm.
“Why didn’t you just say you wanted to go to M and K restaurant?” “because its uptoyou”.
Next day you tell him it his turn to choose the restaurant and he says no no no he picked the restaurant the night before.
Bangkokbois said:
ROFL!
Boy you hit that one squarely on the head!