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Is that a banana on your swimsuit or are you just excited that the 2014 Asian Games start on Friday?

Is that a banana on your swimsuit or are you just excited that the 2014 Asian Games start on Friday?

When it comes to the Olympic Games, Thailand is not exactly what you’d call a real powerhouse. In fact, the Kingdom has only won 48 Olympic medals since it began participating in the Games in 1952. And only seven of those have been gold, primarily in boxing and weightlifting. But the country’s international sporting event scorecard is looking to be a lot rosier come September 19th when the 17th Asian Games officially kicks off in Incheon, South Korea. Of the 9.553 athletes participating, 518 are from Thailand. And at the 2010 Asian Games held in Guangzhou, Thailand took home 52 medals. Four of those were gold. Granted, all of those were won in sepak takraw, and it’s easier to medal in a sport no one knows anything about (it’s kind of a cross between volleyball and soccer) but a win is a win and even a loss can be a win considering the Thai Women’s Football team just got rewarded with a 100,000 baht purse from the head of the Thai football league for losing to South Korea at their opening match at the Asian Games. And sometimes losses can set new records too. Thailand’s men’s football team is the only team in the history of the Games to have reached the semifinals three times and still manage to not win a medal. They’ve already beat the Maldives this time around, so maybe they’ll set a new 4-0 record at the 17th Asian Games.

Like me you too have probably been going through extremely fit, almost naked, international male athlete withdrawals lately. It’s been almost a month since the Commonwealth Games ended, and Tom Daley’s sex tape has still not surfaced. Fortunately, 45 countries have taken pity on our souls and have sent their hottest bodies to South Korea to take part in the XVII Asiad, the largest sporting event in Asia, which runs Friday through October 4th, with 439 events in 36 sports, 28 of which will be contested at the 2016 Summer Olympics and eight non-Olympic disciplines including the ever popular sepak takraw and almost as well-known kabaddi. Even better for you lovers of rice, participating athletes must have lived in the country they represent for at least three years, and since participating countries are limited to those within Asia, there will be a lot of beautifully toned brown bodies, sans potato, on display at the Games. Which doesn’t gel well with the Games’ slogan, Diversity Shines Here, but then who’s complaining?

Malaysia's Ooi Tze Liang will be competing at the 2014 Asian Games. Um, Tom who?

Malaysia’s Ooi Tze Liang will be competing at the 2014 Asian Games. Um, Tom who?

So while Tommy is busy perfecting his crotch diving skills back home with Dustin Lance Black, the guys who usually beat him when he’s not in bed (aka the men of China’s diving team) will all be showing their bodies off in Incheon. As will Malaysia’s hotness on the board, Ooi Tze Liang. And in the other pool, Singapore’s entry for the gold medal for cutest athlete, Joseph Schooling, will be competing for fame against South Korea’s Park Tae-hwan and China’s Sun Yang, who even if he doesn’t medal still has a career appearing in before photos for dental hygiene advertisements. And while Thailand’s male athletes tend to keep their clothes on far too much, the country will be keeping its eye on Princess Sirivannavari Nariratana (the King’s granddaughter) who will be competing with her horse (no, not Princess Maha Chakri Sirindhorn) in both the team and individual dressage events during the Games.

As large as the Asian Games are, as an international sporting event the just over two week long celebration doesn’t quite catch the world’s attention like the Olympics do. And while sex always sells, controversy wins the silver medal and the 17th Asian Games – so far – hasn’t managed to make headlines like Sochi did when Putin declared open season on the gays. So far there’s been an Iranian delegation member who was arrested for molesting a female volunteer at Ansan Wa Stadium, but that’s pretty much par for the course when Arabs get past the borders of their own country. And there was a minor brouhaha over the Korean boy band JYJ being named honorary ambassadors of the Games and then dropped from the opening and closing ceremonies and relegated to perform in the pre-opening ceremony instead. Maybe if they took a clue from Australia’s Five Seconds of Summer and posted a few nude selfies they’d get to push Psy out of his spot in the opening ceremonies because even South Korea must be getting tired of Gangnam Style by now. But then the Games have not yet officially begun, and considering the 2010 Games’ Singaporean Men’s Water Polo Team’s swimsuits featuring a large banana, oops I mean crescent, over their crotch there’s still hope for a bit of controversy, or a lot of male bulge photos to come.

Singapore's Joseph Schooling is one of swimming's up and comers and a cutey to watch for at the 2014 Asian Games.

Singapore’s Joseph Schooling is one of swimming’s up and comers and a cutey to watch for at the 2014 Asian Games.

Hot male bodies aside, I’m not sure just how extensive my 2014 Asian Games coverage will be. The Incheon Asiad Main Stadium looks too vagina like, I’m not sure of I want to learn what kabaddi is, or how much time I want to spend looking for a hot athlete from India, my satellite TV provider thinks reruns of Keeping Up With The Kardashians are more important than broadcasting the Asian Games, the out and proud gay athlete count at the Games is expected to be 0, we’ll never know what happens to the North Korean athletes who fail to medal (but can guess), no Asian diver can compete with Mexico’s Ivan Garcia in unibrow – or prodigiousness of bulge – and then there’s the aforementioned Psy opening ceremony performance.

On the plus side, Qiu Bo is looking mighty doable these days, delving into the athletes from the Philippines invariably results in photos of almost naked male beauty pageant contestants when you search their names on Google Images, this season of The Ultimate Fighter is all fish and I need some degree of athletics in my life, undoubtedly there will be lots of Wangs and Dongs to snicker over – not to mention Vietnam’s Phuoc Hung – for host country color coverage I just read the newest fad in Korea is pizza topped with worms (damn you Google!), and covering the Games would give me an excuse to post lots of male model cum athlete photos. And I did mention Qiu Bo, right? So, we’ll see.

And then again I just discovered a cute Japanese gymnast whose arm pit bush puts U.S. Diver Nick McCrory’s to shame. So stay tuned.

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