One of the regulars on the gay Thailand forums recently started a thread listing the mistakes he’d made over the years when visiting the Kingdom, one of which was nibbling on a few foreign bacteria while enjoying the salad bar at Sizzler. Typical of someone who frequently misses the point, his error was not in bravely tempting fate by eating lettuce that had perhaps been washed in local tap water, but that he’d flown half way around the world to dine at a Sizzler. From the simple, everyday fare offered at street food carts to the exquisitely prepared royal Thai cuisine, with all the incredible tastes Bangkok has to offer why you’d choose Sizzler is beyond me. Sizzler is to steak what Bill O’Reilly is to balanced journalism. And while for the latter the spin may stop here, that your tummy starts doing flip-flops after dining at Sizzler is nothing more than a lesson in instant karma. They say you are what you eat, but where you choose to eat says a lot about you too.

The Mango Tree and Ruen Urai both get mentioned on the boards as great places to dine in Bangkok, though I suspect both get that honorable mention due more to location than menu. Sex tourists don’t like to get too far away from the action even when the meat is being served on a platter instead of on the stage. The food at The Mango Tree and Ruen Urai, at best, is adequate. But is still a good five steps above what you’ll get served at Sizzler. Step outside of Patpong, however, and you can easily find fantastic restaurants that cater to every budget.

There are places I’ve discovered on previous trips that I want to visit again and again. But finding a new restaurant is always a treat. Sometime it’s the setting, sometimes the service, sometimes the ambiance, sometimes the price. And presentation counts when that’s what you are paying for. But whether it’s for lunch or dinner, whether you’re eating at some little hole-in-the-wall, a street food cart, or a five-star restaurant, the food is always the main draw. Even when it is not something you’d normally consider as food. So I was delighted while reading a recent article on Coconuts Bangkok that listed the results of a reader’s poll on the best restaurants in Bangkok. Not because of the places they named – and, no, Sizzler was not one of them – but rather due to a throwaway line about one of the stalls at the MBK Food Court. Pow Tiem Heng, not one of the eateries I usually order from, offers a dish that should please even the fussiest of sex touri: bull penis soup. And it’s probably the cheapest dick you’ll ever pay for in Bangkok.

The food court at MBK – the one on the 6th floor, not the pricier one on the 5th floor geared toward the farang wallet – is a perennial favorite among tourists and locals alike. Hectic, loud, with clothing, cheap sunglasses, and jewelry stalls encroaching on the coupon-ticketing booth entrance, MBK’s food court is nothing fancy and very cafeteria like. Its maze-like scattering of small, white formica tables and orange and blue chairs rank at a solid 0 for ambiance. But as large as it is finding space at one of those tables can be a herculean task – which should clue you in to just how popular the food court is. It is always crowded, always noisy, and almost always a chore to decide which of the 60+ stalls to order from. Until now. The next first-time visitors I introduce to MBK’s food court is also gonna be introduced to some cow’s little friend.

Not that, as those of you who are size queens will be happy to know, there is anything small about a bull’s penis. The soup, which is more of a stew, at Pow Tiem Heng starts with a three-foot long dong, simmered in a traditional Chines mixture of onions, carrots, and broth to tenderize it and give it flavor. Bull penis soup (also known as Soup #5) is an aromatic dish popular in much of Asia. The Chinese believe that it is good for your libido and that it makes you strong as a bull. In fact, during the London Olympics athletes from China requested bull’s penis soup on their weekly menu – whether that was in belief of its strengthening powers or just to psyche out competitors is not known.

Unlike fried insects and some of the other gross things you can try in Asia, bull penis soup is said to be quite tasty. Pow Tiem Heng’s is served kao lao style (with noodles) in a terra-cotta pot. And at only 60 baht its both an affordable meal and a dirt-cheap trick to play on the unsuspecting. And hey, I’d rather eat dick than eat at Sizzler any day.

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