With all the characters from the comics of my youth making their way to the big screen these days, you don’t hear a peep about one of my favorites, Speedy Gonzales. Granted, that may have something to do with Speedy being a less than stellar portrayal of Latinos, but I suspect it has more to do with no one wanting to emulate his best known characteristic. Few aspire to be known as The Fastest Mouse In All Of Mexico. But then the less than affectionate nickname of Princess Tiny Meat isn’t a sought after moniker either, and that’s not stopping Matt Bomer from taking the leading role in the forthcoming biopic about Montgomery Cliff.
Size matters in all things. Or at least all things sexual. And I’d always assumed that when it comes to length, inches are not the only matter that matters. No one likes to be known as shorty because of what they are packing – or not as the case may be – but being known as a Quick Draw McGraw ain’t exactly a glowing recommendation either. Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! might be a cool catch phrase for a Latino mouse, but when that translates to I’m coming! and you sing it out before the other guy even realizes you’re naked, you may have a bigger problem than you thought. ‘Cuz as with pornography, most of us may not be able to define it but we know a premature ejaculator when we see one.
Being a fan of showing straight boys the light, pent-up frustrations coming to a head quickly is, unfortunately, a fact of life. The quickest short-timer in my experience was a cute little haole GI who barely made it through my front door before he’d wrapped his body around mine and crammed his tongue deep into my throat. Being no slouch at moving things along myself when required, I had his pants down around his ankles before he could come up for air. And I thought that deep moan of release was his reaction to finally being in the arms of another man. It was. But it was also a signal he’d finished before he’d even got started. No problemo. I took it as a compliment. And since in your early 20s it doesn’t take long to re-boot, round #2 went a bit better. And lasted longer than 20 seconds.
Newly minted gay boys aside, faster than a speeding bullet is all good and well if you have a big red S on your chest. Otherwise not so much. In bed, if you’re out to set a new land speed record, forget about Arriba ! Arriba! you need to learn how to pronounce Lo siento. Or so I always thought. But it turns out far too many guys take the phrase ‘knocking off a quickie’ literally. And the numbers ain’t in your favor.
And yup, that smells like science to me.
‘Cuz we’re gonna have to find somebody to blame.
According to Dr. Harry Fisch, a leading urologist and director of the Male Reproductive Center in New York City, 45 percent of men finish having sex within two minutes. Dr. Fisch is busy promoting his new book, The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grownups, which fortunately is targeted toward breeders ‘cuz we really don’t need the gay community starting to think running a two-minute mile is acceptable. Though another little tidbit he let leak, that the average man has eleven erections every day, is knowledge that can be put to good use. But back to the subject at hand. Before it’s too late.
Dr. Fisch references multiple studies to back-up his claim that the average joe is a two-minute man, or less, He says there have been studies in which couples were scientifically observed having sex, with a stopwatch used to make a fairly accurate assessment about the length of the coupling. Not surprisingly, there is an extremely large variation in the time it takes a couple to have sex, ranging from the excessively short – about two minutes or less, which famed sex researcher Alfred Kinsey dryly noted was a “frequent source of marital conflict” – to the “Are you done yet?” period of over forty minutes.
Surprisingly though, almost half of men don’t even last long enough for the bam in wham, bam, thank you mam. It turns out far too many guys take Dave Chapelle’s one-liner:. “I don’t believe in premature ejaculation. If I come, it was right on time.” as gospel truth. But then statistically speaking, one out of every two people do enjoy premature ejaculation. Even if it is short-lived.
Dr. Fisch says those devoted to giving the term speed dating a whole new meaning need to realize the point is not how much sex you’re having, but whether you and your partner are happy with the sex you are having. “Quality wins out over quantity every time,” he says. And he’s right. So make every one of those seconds count guys.
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