Yesterday’s article, upon request, was the Top Ten Things To Do In Bangkok, a list of the things I think a first time visitor on a short trip to Bangkok should do and see. Today’s could just as easily be called Yeah, But . . . and answers all those who’d suggest some other destination or activity that I failed to include on my list. It could also just as easily been called Those Were My Suggestions Not Yours So Fuck Off, but that just wouldn’t be polite.

But then being polite is not one of my many faults. And since it isn’t polite to knock places down instead of building them up, I thought I’d go with what I’m more familiar with and better at and give you a list today of the Top Ten Things Not To Do In Bangkok. The parameters are the same as yesterday’s: this list is geared toward the first time visitor who only has a few days to discover all the city has to offer. Though everything on today’s list should probably be avoided by anyone anyway. More importantly, these sites are the ones that many first time visitors think they need to see. They often appear on other’s Top Ten lists for some ungodly reason . . . maybe to provide fodder for a Top Ten Stupidest Suggestions Of Things To Do In Bangkok list. Which, I guess, could have worked well for today’s post’s title too.

So without further ado, here are the top ten things to cross off your list of things to do in Bangkok.

1. Prove What A Dullard You Are At Jim Thompson’s House Of Silk For Sale.
Oh come on. You knew that’d be my #1 thing not to waste your time doing in Bangkok. And don’t bother commenting to disagree because by even thinking of doing so you’ve already established you are boring. I almost changed my mind about this place when I recently read the rumor that Jimmy was gay. But then seeing the closet of a closeted gay man isn’t all that exciting either. So let me answer your Yeah, Buts . . .

There are better and more authentic examples of traditional Thai teakwood houses than one designed, built, and lived in by a farang. There are better places to see a wider selection of Thai antiques (these are called museums). There are cheaper places to buy Thai silk – including places offering the Jim Thompson brand if you just have to have it. And a block away and just over a small wooden bridge is the home of the locals whose backs Jim made his fame and fortune off of.

2. Get Taken For A Ride At The Damnoen Saduak Floating Market.
Photos of old ladies selling goods from their boats at Damnoen Saduak are one of the country’s top draws. Visitors make the long trek to the market with visions of taking that postcard perfect picture themselves. Good luck with that. The reality is bus loads of touri filling every square inch and/or zooming about on long-tail boats belching diesel fumes.

I could just leave it at: with only three or four days to do Bangkok, the full day excursion to visit Damnoen Saduak just isn’t worth your time. But the truth is even with a month to explore what the city has to offer Damnoen Saduak is still not worth your time. Unless you hire a private car and get there and leave before the busses start pulling in.

3. Spend The Weekend At The Market
I know. Sacrilege. Personally, I love Chatuchak. I’ve never not visited the market on any trip to Bangkok. Others are not quite a thrilled with the experience. It is hot, humid, crowded, and so humongous that for many it is just too much. And for a 3-4 day visit, it really takes up too much of your available time. Go buy your knickknacks at MBK instead on this trip and save a visit to the Weekend Market for your next holiday.

4. Crocodile Farms Are For Children, Fools, And Childish Fools.
Ya know Boo Hoo could use a reader or two and if visiting a crocodile farm actually was on your list you may enjoy his blog more than you’ll enjoy mine. His probably recommends all the other sites on this list too. Along with making silly giggling noises when he writes about ‘rented admirers’.

Elephants are a symbol of Thailand, crocs are not. But then foolish touri with more money than brains are too, and that’s why there are so many crocodile farms spread throughout the country. There are better ways of spending your time. Like taking a nap.

5. Dine Like A Peon On The River Of Kings.
Dinner cruises on the Chao Phraya are a popular touri activity. I think the ticket comes with a free stop at Jim Thompson’s House Of Silk For Sale. Guests get treated to cattle-class service, bland and poorly cooked food, and a pricey ride up the river that you could also have at a cost of only 14 baht by taking an express boat ride instead. You’re better off dining riverside at a 4 or 5 star restaurant. Where you can watch the fools who over-paid for a dinner cruise motor by.

6. See Real Live Asians In Chinatown.
If you like laughing at people as much as I do, go park yourself at the Ratchawong Pier and watch the hordes of touri, guidebook in hand, disembark for the long walk into Bangkok’s Chinatown. Where they will get completely lost and spend the day wandering around in a haze looking for their authentic Asian Experience. Here’s the problem: Chinatown is not a touri destination, it is a neighborhood. It does have some sites worthy of your time, but they are spread out all over the place and are not easy for a first time visitor to find. And when you do you’ll experience that place with the other 10,000 touri who bought the same guidebook as you did. Save a visit to Chinatown for a future trip and then hone in on a specific attraction or two. For this visit, you can see many real live Asians almost anywhere in town. And many will be Chinese.

7. Have A Blast At The World Trade Center.
Bangkok was recently voted the #1 shopping destination in the world. With good reason. Lots of them. The World Trade Center, Thailand’s largest shopping mall, isn’t one of them. To avoid potential terrorist problems, after 9/11 they renamed The World Trade Center Central World. Which didn’t fool at least one bomber. Nor the hordes of Red Shirts who burnt it to the ground during their Bangkok holiday. But that’s not why you shouldn’t visit the place. That it is just too big is.

Central World does not offer anything that you can not find at one of the other malls (all within ten minutes of the place). And at those you won’t get lost. Rents are high at Central World, prices are too. Plus there is little that has to do with Bangkok there. MBK is a better choice for a first time visitor. As is Gaysorn Plaza, Big C Ratchadamri, Amarin Plaza, Central Chidlom, Siam Paragon, Siam Center, Siam Discovery Center, Siam Square, Platinum Fashion Mall, and Pantip Plaza. To mention but a few.

8. Get Your Gay On With The Guys Who No Longer Are.
If you are 80, or clueless, you probably still equate gay with drag queens. The rest of us have some dignity and have moved on. Bangkok teems with ladyboys, which are the authentic version of a drag queen. And just like you shouldn’t waste your money buying knock-offs in Bangkok, you shouldn’t waste your time with knock-off ladyboys either. The drag queen revues of Bangkok are for straight touri to titter over while over paying for the experience. You are better than that. If you just have to see ladyboys on stage, go hit Nana Plaza and any one of the dozen of bars there that specialize in the third gender. Or just walk down Sukhumvit at night.

9. See The Whales At Siam Ocean World.
Oh wait, Those are at the beaches in Pattaya. My bad.
To be fair, Siam Ocean World in the Siam Paragon shopping mall isn’t a complete waste of your time. If you enjoyed your packaged dinner cruise on the Chao Phraya you’ll just love Ocean World too. Ditto if you are under the age of 6 or have never seen a real aquarium before. But real aquariums employ professional marine biologists; Siam Ocean World hires ticket takers. Its world is not one of science but one of sales. If Siam Paragon wasn’t’ supposed to be a classy shopping mall, Ocean World would be a crocodile farm. On the plus side, your ticket for Ocean World also includes a pass for Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. Know what I mean, Vern?

10. Swim With The Sharks On Khaosan Road.
Wait a minute. Didn’t I include Khaosan on my list of the Top Ten Things To Do In Bangkok? Yup, I did. But considering the minute number of active brain cells you’ll find among the denizens of Khaosan, that makes perfect sense. Khaosan is a world unto itself and as such makes for an interesting and fun outing. But if you are really looking for a cool, laid-back, atmospheric popular hangout for the younger generation that doesn’t feature aggressive vendors and puke filled gutters, just around the corner is Soi Rambuttri and its leafy banyan tree shaded street where the vibe sways more towards local than backpackers. It’s what Khaosan was before the locals found out how easy backpackers are to fleece. And a much better destination for cafe life and bar hopping if you don’t want to be shark bait.

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