I’ve long suspected the reason why the majority of the men in the world use the metric system for expressing the size of their best buddy is because those numbers just look bigger. And where centimeters count, any trick that results in an excuse to overstate your case is fair game. Whether size matters is an on-going debate. Except when it’s your size that’s being discussed.

Men are fascinated by their dicks. Their dick is not only an endless source of amusement and wonder, it is their reason for being. Women don’t get that. They constantly try to decipher the true essence of man, when in most cases it is already staring them in the face. It is always about our dick. Always. Whoever came up with that thought about men thinking with their dicks was probably a woman. And though she came close to discovering the universal truth about men, her observation was just the, um, tip of the ice berg. So to speak. It is not that we think with our dicks, but rather that we think of our dick. 24/7. Because, unfortunately that is the limited number of hours we are given each day to ponder the wondrous gift the gods have blessed us with.

As well acquainted as we are with our own dick, it amazes me how clueless some guys can be about dicks that are not theirs. The confusion amongst straight guys I get. They spend far too much time avoiding other guys’ dicks when in truth they are just as curious about them as gay guys are. We just have the balls to act on our curiosity. Often. But gay guys, even those with a few dozen dicks under their belt, can be just as dense. And I call to your attention the frequently stated phenomenon of bar boys in Bangkok’s gay gogo clubs displaying fake appendages as proof. Like the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, large fake dicks on bar boys sightings are frequent though no one has ever come up with solid proof of their existence.

It is a common enough charge that you have to wonder how the rumor started and why supposedly otherwise intelligent men continue to promote this myth. On the face of it, the idea of bar boys wearing large fake schlongs makes some sense. I guess. At least to size queens. Their thinking is that by showing off a whopper there’s a better chance the bar boy will land a customer. But in the real world, it just doesn’t work that way. Even Thai bar boys can figure out the guy who thought he was buying a foot long and only got an inch or two isn’t gonna tip much. If at all. And just who is it that you think buys these ginormous fake dicks for the guys to wear? Bar owners don’t even spring for the makeup their ladyboy acts wear. They sure in the hell ain’t gonna lay out good baht just so one of their employees can make more money.

Even in the Land of Smiles where there is lots to smile about, ugly dicks exist. Fake ones, not so much. There are those you might wish were not real, but genuine fake ones are hard to come by. I recall one Future boy toward the end of that bar’s run who had the strangest dick I’d ever seen. It jutted out an inch or so, and then made an acute bend downwards. At a 45 degree angle. Even the captain who was busy getting me to buy him drinks had a laugh. That dick ruined my night. I wanted to enjoy the rest of the show, but that odd dick kept popping into my head. How did he even use the thing? It seemed to me to be worthless. Unless you turned it upside down and used it for a coat rack. If fake dicks were available for the guys to use, I’m sure he would have slipped one on. I know I would have paid for him to slip one on.

A friend recently sent me an email about his adventures in Thailand including the story of his visit to a gay sauna. Entering the place’s backroom, he made his way through the dark and stumbled onto a couple already engaged. Who welcomed him with open arms. The gentleman standing took my friend me’s hand and placed it on his well-developed chest. And then let Mother Nature take its course. My friend followed his abs to his treasure trail and then down to the prize. And then encountered a monstrosity that made him scream, “Ew!”

In his email added a few more, “Ews!”

Being a manly man myself, I’m not much for making Ew! sounds. But I’m sure that if unexpectedly I encountered one of those dicks whose owner had filled it with silicone or some other foreign liquid, I’d too resort to a shrill scream of, “Ew!” Kinda like I do anytime Joan Rivers appears on the television.

Some guys do strange things to their dicks. Those that do usually claim it is to provide greater pleasure for their sex partners. But we all know it is because it is their dick. And they just couldn’t control themselves. Often it is because whatever size the gods blessed them with just wasn’t enough. Which is a shame because any penis, regardless of size, looks better in its natural state than it will ever look once modern medical science has had its way with it. Even ugly ones. There are a lot of ugly dicks in the world. But their owners never think so. Every guy, no matter how small or horrid looking his dick is, is secretly proud of his best buddy. And if you have had the displeasure of seeing Anthony Weiner’s latest dick pix you’ll know what I mean. That is not a dick you should be sexting photos of.

Which brings me back on point: fake dicks on bar boys. I don’t think the misconception is about size, but rather about looks. Those that some punters claim are fake aren’t, but look so beastly that your mind wishes that they were. The problem is twofold. First, despite how much you may think a bar boy would enjoy standing around naked on stage for all the world to admire, it is not quite enjoyable enough of an experience to keep them hard. So they use a torn condom like a rubber band around the base of their little friend to keep him up and perky. The result, however, often is a slightly bloated penis that, while semi-turgid, tends to just hang between their legs looking like it’s experiencing its final gasp.

Second, I can only assume whoever taught safe sex practices to the denizens of Soi Twilight decided to avoid any confusion and went with the rule that if your dick is out of your pants it needs to be wearing a hat. There is no good reason for a guy on stage who is naked but not involved in a sex act to be wearing a condom. But they all do. You get to se a lot of hard dick in Bangkok’s gogo bars, but seldom are they presented au naturel. And when a dick is both unnaturally enlarged and sheathed in plastic, it just doesn’t look right. Which to the more myopic, as well as the dreamers among us, then looks fake.

On the plus side, if what is hanging between the legs of the hottie you have your little heart set on reaches his knees, there’s a good chance when you get him back to your room he will in fact measure up to your expectations. And then unless you are a size queen of great renown, you may wish that thing was in fact fake.

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