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Many of Pattaya’s sexpat population, despondent over the declining value of their nation’s currency and the dwindling buying power of their already paltry pension funds, now need look no further than their ballooning bodies for an answer to their financial woes. There is no more reason to foolishly blow 100 baht on a beer at their favorite boy bar. And better yet they can now cash in on those massive mammaries and ever expanding waistlines thanks to the Beer Belly, an innovative new product that mimics the typical sexpat’s physical profile to provide a carrying space for their favorite libration. No more over-flowing check bins – now you can get bombed on the cheap. And not have to wait for that damn waiter to make his rounds again to boot!
If you have often thought, “The only way I could be more handsome is if I were secretly packing 80 oz. of hooch around with my gut,” the Beer Belly is the perfect product for you. Consisting of two parts – the sling and the bladder – the Beer Belly holds up to 80 oz. of the cheapest brand of beer, vodka, gin, tequila, or whiskey that you can find. When worn under your clothes you’ll look just like every other sexpat in town, heavily weighted in the midsection like a fat pregnant woman three weeks overdue.
Fat and obese people have been celebrated for centuries as being wealthy and successful, so don’t worry if you are already blimp size, the Beer Belly will just make you bigger, more bad ass, and obviously a better catch. The moneyboys will be flocking to you like to a unusually friendly farang hanging out in his driveway.
Considering your rather scary looking fellow denizens of Sunee Plaza, you may be concerned that the Beer Belly may be too much of a good thing – a worry that you’ll quickly discard when you remember how much baht you can save – but fear not: the Beer Belly’s designers have carefully manufactured their product so that the booze you fill it with keeps your new fake roll of fat squarely on top of your existing dozen rolls of blubber. No matter how much booze you are packing in it, the Beer Belly will not shift to hang off your back and make you look like Quasimodo (note that if you already look like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame, the Beer Belly will not make you any better looking. But then with the buzz you’ll have going, who cares?)
Of course no product is perfect, and while the Beer Belly is designed to fit any man up to 6’ 8’ in height, its failing is that it only accommodates a 40” waist. And your belt hasn’t seen that limited girth in over two decades. But never underestimate the ingenuity of a sexpat when it comes to his booze and being a cheap bastard all of his frenemies will be envious of. Just follow the same philosophy you use towards your double chins: the more the merrier – two Beer Bellies allow you to grow to a prodigious 80” waistline . . . and that means you’ll be able to pack the equivalent of two six packs around for your night on the town!
Available from your favorite internet retailer, the Beer Belly sells for $39.99, which may be out of the price range for most Pattaya sexpats, but if you can find someone to borrow the money from it can easily pay for itself in two nights. Plus you’ll have scored 40 bucks that you never intended on paying back anyway. Better yet, you’ll never have to be sober again. And isn’t that what life is really all about?
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xiandarkthorne said:
Goodness! I wonder I always feel like a pint-sized flat-chested wallflower whenever I’m at the beach!!!
Bangkokbois said:
LOL
That’s the nice thing about Pattaya’s beaches – you are almost guaranteed to look good in comparison!
xiandarkthorne said:
I’m not in the best shape at the moment and I was so hesitant about actually going in the water when I first arrived that I’d forgotten to pack my Speedos…but then after I’d booked my lounger and umbrella and taken a really good look around, I ran back to the stalls at the junction and promptly bought a new pair!
Bangkokbois said:
I’ve often wondered why they don’t sell bikini suit tops there. Seems like they’d do a killer business since so many of those guys really need some support.
Mitch S. said:
Ouch! You were in an especially nasty mood when writing this. Love it! So harsh, as always, on Shitsville’s sexually dysfunctional binge-eaters & binge-drinkers.
Bangkokbois said:
Ow!
I’m hurt!
Here I was just trying to be a help and you go and accuse me of snark.
I’m crushed I tell ya, crushed!
xiandarkthorne said:
You know, I don’t believe I actually saw any bikini tops or bottoms that big on sale at any of the stalls or shops!
Bangkokbois said:
ROFL