Again, so soon?

This is the second in a series of posts within the I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy series of posts, though it will appear to have little to do with Part One, which I posted a day or two ago. Like that post, this one is capable of standing on its own. But it is a lead in to the post that (should) tie them all together. Coming quickly one after the other, this mini-series should provide a basis to better explain a dilemma, an unforeseen and unexpected problem that has recently risen, though I coulda just as easily asked you to go back and read the previous 91 I Fell In Love With A Bar Boy posts instead. But this way provides an excuse to post another few dozen pix of some hot Asian guys. I’ve always been a firm believer that when life throws you a curve ball, your best response is to turn to porn . . .

Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life, is my friend. And a sex partner. He’s also a buddy, travel companion, confidant, fellow provocateur, not to mention an all around nice guy. What he isn’t is a live-in partner. Which may be a good thing since he identifies as straight. Whatever in the hell that means to a Thai. Not that that necessarily precludes us from becoming live-in partners. Distance is to blame for that. As is that I enjoy living in my country too much to ever consider moving to Thailand, and Thailand is too deeply embedded in Noom’s soul for him to ever be happy living in America. That does however preclude me from calling him my boyfriend, ours is more a friendship with benefits regardless of how much we care for each other. And regardless of how much I enjoy having sex with him, our friendship precludes me from calling him the other FB, fuck buddy, because while important (to me), the sex is not the driving force in our relationship. But it ain’t a bad shot in the arm either.

Boyfriend, bar boy friend, lover, sex partner, customer and john . . . what ever you call it, it still boils down to being a relationship. ‘Being in a relationship’ should not require further comment, the parameters of every relationship are different and yet the concept is the same. Or so you’d think. Throw in an adjective or two, however, and what is a relationship to some no longer qualifies as one to others. In my book, a ‘committed relationship’ is an oxymoron; if there is no commitment then there is no relationship. And while whatever works for you is fine by me – because it’s your relationship, not mine – an ‘open relationship’ has just never made much sense to me. It’s a committed relationship without the commitment. Ergo, it’s not.

But then there are nuances to every relationship that are not apparent to outsiders. I’m in a relationship with Noom, an adjective free relationship that we both consider to include a commitment to each other, yet due to his line of work when I’m not in town he’s often to be found in bed with some other farang. Neither of us would call what we have an open relationship; others would say it is the epitome of one. At best, I’d agree that we are not engaged in yet another adjectived relationship: a monogamous one.

Monogamy, as a concept or practice, just doesn’t work. The idea is foreign to mans’ existence. Like with all species on this planet, for men it’s all about procreation. Spreading your seed as often, as far, and as wide as possible is where it’s at. I hope whoever came up with the concept of monogamy died a bloody and well-deserved death. Because that little nugget of moral rectitude is the cause of most problems in relationships.

Throw in the pure pleasure of an orgasm – assuming you are doing it right – and it is astounding that any man would ever be capable of a monogamous relationship. Some would even argue that you are not being monogamous when you have sex with yourself. Most guys masturbate, partnered or not. Even the morally righteous do. In a recently conducted poll 61% of married Christian men admitted to masturbating regularly. Damn cheaters every one.

I do, however, believe you can be monogamous in your heart, while other parts of your body are busy at play. Sex is one thing, an emotional attachment to someone is different. The former does not have to infringe on the latter, though it’s a good idea to establish that parameter before stepping over the line. It will be interesting to see what paradigm develops as gay marriage becomes the law of the land. Some localities, preparing for the inevitable need for divorce laws once same-sex marriage becomes a reality, are having a difficult time defining what constitutes consummation when both parties sport the same sex organs. They are quickly discovering that applying traditional concepts and legal terms to gay marriage is not as simple as it seems. Monogamy is part of heterosexual marriages; it may not necessarily be for same-sex unions.

And when monogamy isn’t a legal/moral boundary, but rather a self imposed one. . . well,

I have to wonder how much monogamy owes its existence to problem avoidance. I’ve been in enough relationships to know that at first the idea of looking for sex elsewhere just doesn’t enter your mind. Your guy is all you need, he is all you want. But then, over time, the idea of a little something on the side takes root. Devotion keeps some from acting on that urge. Guilt does it for others. The possible messiness of being caught and the ensuing arguments, fights, and drama are probably an even greater deterrent. For me it’s never been a question of whether or not to cheat, but rather that if I am contemplating doing so, what then does that say about the relationship I’m in? Which usually results in being about the relationship I’m no longer in.

I take commitments seriously, that includes the commitment to being a couple. No problemo with a traditional boyfriend, at least not until my eye begins to wander. With Noom, it’s different. We are a couple only when I’m in town. Even then, when schedules conflict I’ve sent him off for the night to fleece some other customer. And he has, in turn, given me permission to off other bar boys. Provided I tell him first. Right. I can sometimes be dense, but I’m not stupid.

On every trip I’ve made to Thailand since I met Noom I have serious intentions of playing around, trying someone new, hitting the bars and hitting every hottie I find on the first night or two of my holiday. Or the last few. Or both. Gay Romeo alone offers a wide selection of willing partners. And there are enough gogo bars in Bangkok that even the most picky punter is sure to find one Thai hunk that measures up to his standards. I love Noom. But I’m still a guy. Though evidently a castrated one because despite plans of doing otherwise, as soon as the plane lands I make a beeline for Noom’s arms. In reality, I’m monogamous in our relationship by choice. Possibly, due to laziness.

Whether it is with a bar boy or not, a relationship between a farang and a Thai, where distance is more prevalent than not, presents a whole host of problems. How you deal with the question of monogamy in those relationships differs from one couple to the next. The more frequently you are together, the less of a problem it is. When you are apart, what, if any, boundaries you set are up to you. As are promises made. And whether or not they are kept. However the two for you decide to deal with a long-distance relationship, trust becomes the key. If that trust is lost, whether over a real or imagined infidelity, that relationship is over. Though it may take you a few months, or a few years to realize it.

Noom and I have avoided problem within our relationship by not setting any rules regarding the times we are separated. It wasn’t a conscious decision to do so, but rather by default. By not deciding to, we decided not to. But then we both have a leisurely attitude toward sex. Our emotional attachment is of greater importance. I don’t care how many customers he has – a good thing since that’s how he makes a living – and he doesn’t care what I do back home, or if I off another bar boy in Thailand as long as it’s just sex. Neither has anything to do with what we share. The only time jealousy reared its ugly little head – which actually happened twice – was when he perceived his position in my world was being threatened. But that was about trust too. Both times I was able to reassure him. And both time the make-up sex was incredible.

Even then, Noom likes to remind me that I was a butterfly before meeting him. He likes to remind me of that often. I think that is more about the reassurance he gets from hearing the words than it is about my history. It’s not about my previous habit of flitting from on bar boy to the next, it’s about having finally found a guy to share my in-country life with, the companionship and warmth of knowing an actual person instead of just a nice piece of ass. The sex is just a bonus.

In my last post I wrote about the collectivist society that forms the basis for personal, family, and village life in Thailand, and purposefully did not use the word obligation even though a lot of that culture is based on obligations. My iconoclastic soul bristles at the thought that there are things I have to do, that there are requirements I am obligated to meet. I prefer to think of them as choices. Because all obligations and commitments ultimately really are a matter of choice. Noom and I have made commitments to each other, I have obligations to him as he does to me. Some, in fact most, stem from my accepting and participating in the way Thais have decided the world works. Like with monogamy, none of those obligations can be forced on you. You always have a choice in the matter. If you choose to be monogamous, it’s no longer an obligation. It’s something you do willingly, without thought. When you choose to make a commitment or a promise to someone, it’s no longer about a duty owed. It’s about a mutual agreement, in our case to take care of the other guy’s needs, whether that be emotional, financial, or physical.

The importance of Noom in my life is unquestionable. Defining our relationship isn’t as simple. That I’m a happier person knowing him is a given; that I’m a better person because of him is too. We have both made promises and commitments to each other, out of choice. Monogamy may not be one of those, but seeing to the welfare of each other is. Ours may not fit into the traditional perception of what a relationship is, but it works. Glitches only arise when that relationship encompasses life outside of Thailand’s borders.

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