Tags

,

gay christmas

Don’t forget to wrap yourself – or a friend – when celebrating this holiday season.

Christmas is fast approaching and you have but a short time to finish your holiday shopping. Today is also the shortest day of the year. And if the Mayans got it right, it’ll be the shortest day of all of our lives. I probably should have posted a reminder about the approach of the end of the world, just in case y’all wanted to rack up a few extra karma points while there was still time. My bad. Now it looks like you get to come back as a Mayan.

The shortage of time left to pick up presents for your friends and loved ones isn’t a big problem for guys because most of us wait until Christmas Eve Day to check that item off our list. The shortest day of the year is easy to deal with too because that means it also will be the longest night. If you are in Thailand, it’s a good night to go for a long-time off. Not that it will be any better, but you will have extra time to not enjoy it. The shortest life expectancy thingy isn’t a problem either, because like Oprah being fat, there’s not much you can do about that. You can’t even take it out on the Mayans. ‘Cuz they are all already dead.

The shorty that is difficult to deal with is the one that really matters. Nothing can ruin your plans for the holidays quicker than discovering the gift that you picked up for yourself is less than expected. Because good things never come in small packages. Suddenly being confronted by a teeny weenie is the kind of surprise no man wants to go through at any time of the year. Even if it isn’t his. But it is an occupational hazard if you holiday often in Thailand. Culturally, Westerners and Thais may differ greatly. But the spectre of a small penis is equally terrifying to men in both countries. Just be glad it’s not yours.

gay christmas

It may be cold outside, but you still expect a package of some size.

It’s not like small peni are a hobby like fishing where you just throw the little ones back. Usually, you are in the middle of an intimate session when the injustices of the world are revealed. By then it’s too late to suggest that you just cuddle. Even though it is a small problem, you have to deal with it. Doing so without inflicting emotional damage on the little prick’s owner can be tricky, he’s already physically impaired and you don’t want to compound the problem. But it’s not like you can just skip right to the cigarettes. So here are some suggestions on what you should do when the guy you are with fails to measure up:

Laugh. It is your first instinct anyway, so go for it. Everybody enjoys a good laugh and if you have a tiny dick you better have a good sense of humor. When it turns out your partner is a lightweight, making light of his problem can take some of the stress out of the situation. And if he gets angry instead, that gives you a good excuse to leave. Win-Win. Know what I’m sayin’?

Empathize. How Not To Be A Sociopath For Dummies tells me empathy is one of the normal human attributes that I lack and need to learn to fake. One of the best ways to show empathy is to relate a personal story that shows you are familiar with the problem and understand his pain. For instance, you might say, “That reminds me of my six-year-old nephew . . . “

Bite-size is never the right size.

Bite-size is never the right size.

Be Positive. “Look, it all fits in my mouth at once,” is sure to make him feel better. “Ahh, it’s so cute!” or “It’s more fun to look at!” both take an upbeat approach. While, “It’s okay, we’ll work around it,” shows you are a team player. Even if your team is short one man. You can also take the glass half full option, “That’s okay, I think there’s a dildo around here somewhere.” Or if you prefer the rose colored glasses approach try, “Maybe it looks better in natural light.” As a last resort you can try to change the subject. “It’s a good thing you have so many other talents,” is both complimentary and avoids the subject. If nothing else you can silently remind yourself that this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

Show Your Concern. No matter how tiny your penis is, it’s difficult to feel badly when someone is showing concern over your well-being. “Are you cold?” does that, addresses the problem, and gives him an excuse in one fell swoop. “Who circumcised you?” also helps lay the blame elsewhere and keeps the discussion on a medical level instead of a manly one. Ditto for, “Do you take steroids?” “Were you in an accident?” and “Sex change?” Better yet, go for gold with, “Why is God punishing you?”

KISS. Sometimes the best option is to keep it simple. “I’m sorry,” says it all. And you probably are. For both of you.

gay christmas

Okay, so yes, there are some things worse than finding a tiny penis hanging from your Christmas present.

Celebrate. Everyone likes to feel that they are special. Even those whose dicks look like a pimple with a pulse. “I never saw one like that before!” will let him know just how special he is. “What is that?” works equally as well as does, “I didn’t know they came that small!” Or you could go for totally amazed at his lack of his talent with, “Wow, and your feet are so big!”

Be Honest. He may be used to the sight of a dick so small that it looks like it needs training wheels, but you aren’t. Either “What do you call this?” or, “And so this is . . .” puts the onerous back on his little head where it belongs. “But it still works right?” addresses your concerns, and “This explains your car,” offers a worldly view as does, “And I thought you were overcompensating because of your height.”

Be Realistic. The nice thing about running across a guy with a mini-me is that you don’t have to ask if he bottoms. And don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions. Some guys are growers, not showers. But if that’s not the case, you can always ask, “What does it look like when it’s hard?” But then it’s not the end of the world. Though it may be the end of your night. Oh wait. I forgot about the Mayans. Maybe it is the end of the world.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy:

The 5th Gay Of Christmas

The 5th Gay Of Christmas

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids!

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids!

Pretty Boy Meets Pretty Small

Pretty Boy Meets Pretty Small