Christmas is coming. While whether the goose is getting fat or not is debatable, if you are a sexpat in Thailand, you degree of obesity is probably a foregone conclusion. No problemo. But while you are adding Xs to your shirt size, the holiday season is a good time to stop and consider the needs of the boys you pay to say they love you. The Christmas holiday season is all about giving, so don’t forget to pick up some goodies for your favorite ho ho hoe.

Of course when it comes to holiday gift giving for the barboys in your life, baht – or anything wrapped in baht – is always the perfect choice. But many sexpats like to play Santa Claus since they have the build for it, and want to add a little something special for their boy special. Here’s a few inexpensive gift suggestion that will put a smile on his face. At least until he remembers what you are hiding behind that red suit.

Nothing can ruin a bar boy’s plans for the holidays quicker than an old fart customer who is incapable of walking to the closest ATM and making his daily withdrawal. What’s the good of those magic cash dispensing machines if you can’t get there? This Inflatable Walker is a practical gift your bar boy will greatly appreciate. As will his bank account. Un-inflated it is easily packable in his backpack, right along with his jumbo box of condoms. The bonus is that after being tired out from blowing up the walker, he’ll have a good excuse for refusing to sa-moke the octogenarian whose bank account he’ll soon be cleaning out.

Yup, bar boys love nothing more than dining at America’s fast food restaurants. It’s status and a meal all in one fell swoop, thanks to your willingness to pony up the price of a meal that he’d never pay for out of his own pocket. Of course the status he gains from dining there is only good if his friends, family, and bar mates see him doing so. And since they are all busy fleecing the farang they’ve adopted as an ATM, that’s unlikely. No problemo. Pizza Hut has come to the rescue, offering their own signature scent that smells just like the mystery meat they serve on their pizzas. Now your boy can smell like he just ate at Pizza Hut, even if it’s been weeks since you took him there. Pizza Hut’s eau de pizza is only currently available in Canada, but your boy is surely worth a quick trip to Toronto to stock up before heading off on your holiday in Thailand.

And speaking of toxic smells: Bar boys just have to accept the fact that even when freshly showered their farang customers still smell bad. It’s all that dairy and beef in their diet and it’s just part of a bar boy’s life. That doesn’t mean he should have to be further tortured by the smells you leave behind in your hotel’s bathroom. Sure he should know better than to enter the bathroom right after you’ve used it, but his concentration was on the Thai sit-com playing on the television and on figuring out just how much taxi money you’d be good for at the end of the night. Now you can show you have a good heart by providing a warning with the Toxic Gases Toilet Caution Cone – let him know he needs to quickly run the other way before he catches a whiff of what your digestive system really thinks about Thai food.

With the scent of baht in the air, your bar boy du jour willingly ignored your dour and grumpy disposition back at his bar. Back at your hotel he’ll have to face up to the reality of his situation: another night spent with a disgruntled old fart who hates everything about the world. Farang sexpats have little to do with sanook even when that’s what they are out on the town looking for. Now you can refrain from joining the ranks of the grumpy gusses your boy has had to deal with in the past with a supply of Dr. Benjamin Passmore’s Cure for Grumpiness, Grouchiness, Irritability and Short Temper. Each box contains four herbal bath bags that infuse the water with lavender and other soothing herbs to promote feelings of euphoric happiness and neighborly love. And while you are soaking your grumpiness away, it will give him the time he needs to go through your wallet and help himself to a tip. Then even if the Cure for Grumpiness has no impact on your personality, he’ll still have a big smile on his face.

Thai bar boys are a religious lot and frequently turn to Buddha when they need help in their lives. Like the first time they see you naked. But what is a poor bar boy to do when the closest wat is half a block away and your 300 lbs. of blubber is between him and the door? Thanks to this handy Inflatable Buddha he can still find a bit of enlightenment, or at least be able to pray his little heart out that what is about to come won’t be as disgusting as it was the last time. Shame the gods never seem to listen to the pleas of humans, huh?

But let’s get serious. Christmas is a farang holiday. So it really should be all about you. Which won’t surprise your bar boy du jour in the least ‘cuz that’s the attitude of all sexpats in Pattaya. That makes this Candy Posing Pouch the perfect gift to make your latest off tasty while you remain true to yourself: tasteless. Even better, the three hundred and thirty fruit-flavored sweets that make up this bedroom treat are fat-free so you can enjoy a new boy nightly without concern that you’ll have to be moving up to XXXXXL sized T-shirts for the new year.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy: