Picked a dud and wasted an entire night of your holiday?

Unfortunately, it happens. The hottie at the bar that got you all excited and worked up, who oozed sex appeal and promised he did everything, gets back to your hotel room with you and is a total flop. He fails to rise to the occasion, acts as though you are not in the room, and does not want to do anything other than accept his tip and flee. It is a bad beginning to what was supposed to be a happy ending and it leaves you sexually frustrated and irate.

Back home in your own culture you’d instantly know how to react. But this is Thailand. And you’re not in Kansas anymore. What should you do? Get mad? Get even? Get the hell out of Dodge? Here are the top ten options for handling a studly bar boy who turns out to be a dud:

1. Smile, Say Nothing, And Tip The Guy As You Usually Would.
Seriously? What a pussy! But fine, if you lack the balls to stand up over his lack of ability to stand up you’re probably a bottom and used to rolling over and taking it anyway. The bonus in selecting this option is the boy will probably fall madly in love with you and you will be assured a long relationship spanning decades. During which you’ll never get your rocks off with his participation. But ain’t love grand?

Believe it or not, attitude has a lot to do with how well he will perform.

2. Smile, Say Nothing, And Tip The Guy As You Usually Would, And Then Immediately Go Post About What A Dud He Is On the Gay Thailand Forums.
The guys who pull this trick are usually the posters of whom most already feel great pity for any bar boy who has to spend time with them. Your complaint will probably mean his business doubles. You’ll get a sweeter degree of revenge by sending a PM to select members – the posters nobody would want as a customer – and telling them he is perfect for them. Just imagine his reaction when he agrees to a short-time off with say, Fountainhall. He’ll perform no better for him, but will have to listen to a two hour dissertation on the history of men’s underwear. If you want revenge, always use a properly loaded gun.

3. Throw A Tantrum And Immediately Head Back To The Bar To Yell At The Mamasan And Demand Your Money Back.
Or, for short: Throw a Hissy Fit. Which many queens excel at. If I’m in town, this is the option I’d most strongly recommend you take. The fuck shows have become quite boring for me but the sight of a gaggle of fem bar boys beating the crap out of a fussy old queen is something no one ever tires of.

4. Ignore His Flaccid State and Pleas; Force Yourself On Him Anyway.
Did you know Thailand leads the world in penis mutilation by a sex partner? Just saying.

Always tell your sexpat buddies about a bar boy who is a dud ‘cuz your satisfaction is surely their top concern.

5. Send Him To The Shower And Steal His Cell Phone When He’s Not Looking.
Yeah, I know payback is always sweet. But duds are not to be trusted; he probably stole your cell phone too and got away with a newer and better model. On the plus side, at least you will have gotten fucked.

6. Accept The Lack of Orgasm, But Demand He Pose Naked for Your Camera, And Then Upload All Those Pix On The Internet. Or At Least Email Them To Me.
I’ve never actually heard of this approach being used, but thought I’d throw it out there because there can never be too many pictures of hot naked Thai men on the internet. Or on my computer.

7. Recognize He Too Is Human And May Be Just Having An Off Night.
That’s nice. You probably believe in world peace too. And undoubtedly the boys often tell you what a good heart you have. The nice thing about this attitude is that if you go back to his bar again the stud who was a dud will have a long line of his friends for you to off. You’ll never achieve an orgasm, but just think how well you’ll think about yourself. Interesting how masturbation does not always require the involvement of your dick, huh?

Not happy with his performance? Let the boy know, he is sure to empathize with you.

8. Wave A Thousand Baht Note Under His Nose And Watch Him Rise To The Occasion.
Note that this trick only works on new bar boys and never in Pattaya. The experienced and those whose crappy karma landed them in Pattaya all know there is no way your cheap ass is ever gonna hand over that amount of cash. Okay, so yes, in Thailand money is an aphrodisiac, but a thousand baht or two is not always enough to gain the full cooperation of your boy du jour. An ATM card waved under his nose, however, will almost always do the trick.

9. Resort To Threats.
Similar to throwing a hissy fit, anguished cries filled with threats such as I’m going to tell your boss, I’m going to report you to the police, are always a good option. As long as your intent was to reward your dud with laughter. He knows that despite what you threaten to do you are no more likely to actually do those things than he was likely to perform to the degree he told you he would back in the bar.

10. Short Tip Him Just Enough That He’ll Know You’re Not Happy, And Shake Your Head In Deep Sorrow.
If you haven’t yet learned so, yelling, screaming, and becoming irate is not an acceptable release of your emotions in Thailand. It gets you nowhere. And any Thai who observes you ranting and carrying on will be embarrassed for you. That shouldn’t be news. All the guide books tell you this. But what no one bothers to explain is how you should act to show your displeasure. And the name of that game is shame. Reign in your inborn sense for drama, a subtle approach is required. He already knows he failed to live up to expectations and/or tried to pull a fast one. Now he’ll know you do too and that you are embarrassed to have witnessed his error in judgement and faulty behavior. This is the Thai equivalent of being kicked in the balls.

There are some things a bar boy will not do, that doesn’t necessarily make him a dud.

Your bonus option is one often offered by the punters on the Gay Thailand forums who like to appear level headed and above the fray. They say you should tip the guy as you normally would and be happy with whatever he was willing to do, even if that was nothing. Fine. Yes, you are dealing with a human being, not a commodity. But it is still a purchase and service is still service. If you ordered a Big Mac at McDonalds and got a Quarter Pounder instead, would you be just as happy to have been served junk food loaded with thousands of worthless calories that will lead you to an early death even though it was not the junk food loaded with thousands of worthless calories that will lead you to an early death that you wanted and paid for? No. You wouldn’t. And you’d let Ronald know about it too.

The idea that you should just be happy with however your evening turns out is a false humanity. The meek may inherit the earth, but they’ll never be sexually satisfied. Failing to take the boy to task makes you complicit in the increase of bar boys who fail to perform but expect to be handed a big wad of baht anyway. And as much as I hate to think about diving into your sloppy seconds, that means I may some day be dealing with the dud you rewarded for poor service. And know that we’re talking about my orgasm, it just ain’t funny anymore.

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