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Sexting, for the sex touri, can open a whole new world of possibilities.

Ah, the wonders of technology. Billions of dollars and billions of brain cells have been devoted to bringing us the modern marvel of cell phones, and man has responded by figuring out the multiple uses of this technological wonder to help get him laid. Yup, sex sells regardless of how you dress it up or try to spin it. Numerous celebrities and politicians have already discovered the publicity generating power of sending pictures of their no longer private parts out into the universe, and the masses barely discovered texting before it evolved into the much more popular form of sexting. Welcome to today’s favorite form of communication.

Sexting can be a great boon for the sex touri of Thailand. Often attempting to engage a non-native English speaker, sexting does not rely on the use of proper English but rather textural symbols and acronymical series of letters are commonly understood by farang and Thai alike. And since being a sex touri and a cheap bastard so often goes hand in hand, communicating your desires via SMS brings you not only the potential of an orgasm but the orgasmic joy of hitting on a hottie for free or at little cost; instead of grasping money, sex touri can use their shaky, arthritic fingers to press the least number of impossibly small buttons on their cell phone’s keyboard.

As adept as gay men are at figuring out how to get laid, sexting is not a natural choice for the majority of sex touri, who generally are senior citizens. Part of that is due to their innate fear of technology, part is due to their failure to remain relevant in today’s world of fast flying communication. That leaves many sex touri wondering two things: “What exactly is this sexting?” and, “Where can I get me some?”

Your cell phone is not just for phoning home anymore.

To start off your salacious SMS career, here is a handy Making Sense of Sexting Guide to help Thailand’s sex touri put the ‘mature adult’ back into ‘mature adults only’:

Understanding Sexting:
Sexting takes three basic forms. There are cute and flirty sayings fully spelled out – think of them as pick up lines for SMS use. While useful when communicating with an established partner whom you are trying to get into the mood, much like traditional pick up lines using the digital version is rarely a successful ploy in landing a hottie.

Yes, there is a certain cache to text messaging: “The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor,” but as provocative as the idea may sound to you, Thais think the only appropriate place for sex is in a bed so you just revealed yourself to not only being a fat, disgusting farang, but a kinky one to boot. And while “Are your feet tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running around in my dreams all night,” certainly sounds like a romantic come-on, your potential hottie will probably send over his grandmother to give you a foot massage rather than show up himself.

Language and cultural differences can be problematic when sexting with a Thai.

You may think “I wish you were a screen door, so I could slam you all day long” is the epitome of high jinx humor, but Thais prefer their humor to be more of the slapstick variety and well-telegraphed in advance; it’s difficult to properly set up a gag line in texting. Pick up line-like sexting by farang also opens the door to your using foreign phrases undecipherable to a Thai – few of them know what a screen door is, so your joke, and success in scoring both just fell flat. Attempting to be witty, sexy, and to build up sexual tension all at the same time is no easy task. That’s why there are so few successful porn screenwriters. Your best bet is to follow the age old adage of KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid.

A picture is worth a thousand words, and will save lots of wear and tear on your thumb while texting. Thanks to the handy little cameras that come with all cell phones these days, sending digital pix has become routine. For gay men this has saved a lot of time and trouble. Now when someone you are just meeting digitally ask the invariable, “How big is it?” rather than rely on your ruler for complicated numbers, you can just click and shoot off a quick snap of your little buddy. I’ve found a bit of photoshopping first – such as pasting in a diminutive shot of the Eiffel Tower in the background – can greatly enhance your response rate. But the poor use of technology can be a dangerous thing.

Undoubtedly you are quite attached to your mini-me and like most guys think it is the absolutely finest looking dick the world has ever seen. Others may disagree. And when you send that shot out over the airwaves, it may be that your intended is sitting with a bunch of his friends who will all begin laughing uproariously. And noting your cell phone number so that when you later try to score them they know not to answer your call.

You’ve probably heard that the camera adds 10 pounds. If you are a man of less stature, that’s wishful thinking. Sure, yours will still look bigger than the average Thai’s, but most Thai guys have some experience with farang, and in their experience it’s not about playing an advanced version of Where’s Waldo. On the other hand if only 35% of your self portrait fits onto the screen, you’ll scare away all but the most devoted bottoms.

Be sure the naked shots you sext don’t make him put his clothes back on.

Full body shots can also be problematic. If Steve Jobs was such a god, he would have figured out a way to block cell phone cameras from recording any body that scores below a 7. Sex touri need to be honest with themselves. No one is ever going to use your ancient flabby body as a model for the ;latest version of David. While it may be nice to warn your intended on just what he is getting himself into, this is what you’re most likely to get sexted back when you send off that nude photo:

“Why you wear bathrobe?”

“I’m not wearing a robe, that’s me naked.”

“Oh, Sorry, Thought all those creases and wrinkles were robe. Dat explain why you robe not have belt.”

The Use Of Emoticons:
The third form of texting is the one you should be using. It is the popular and widespread use of emoticons and acronyms. Using abbreviated forms of words and phrases demonstrates that while you still think rap is ghetto music, you are in fact a youthful and cool dude. The added benefit is that while the local boy you are trying to score may not know much English, there is a good chance he will know what those acronyms stand for. And if he does know good English, using abbreviations will help disguise the fact that even though you are a native English speaker, your proficiency is so lacking that most of your fellow countrymen have to decipher what you are attempting to say.

Of course using the short hand version of sexting means you need to know the more popular acronyms, symbols, and abbreviations in use, and what they mean. Some are used world-wide, some are Thai-centric. For example you won’t run across 55555 back in your home country, but will frequently while in Thailand. Or at least at the same frequency as you send out those fully naked body shots of yours.

Elsewhere used for monkey or orangutan, in Thailand the boys use it among themselves for farang.

Depending on the cell phone you use and how ancient it is, emoticons may appear in either their textual or graphical form. The original and still widely used smiley face is generally understood by all. Winks, hearts, and roses are all popular too but require translation into graphics. They also require translation into the Thai mind. A big heart to you may mean that you love what you see, to a Thai moneyboy it is a lifelong commitment to taking care of him, his family, and a good portion of his village. Just be glad no one has yet come up with an emoticon for a dead buffalo.

Here is a handy list of text-based emoticons you’ll be able to use while in Thailand.

8=======D
(Farang)

8====D
(Thai)

8=D
(Chinese)

( . )( . )
(Ladyboy)

$__$
(Moneyboy)

~:B
(Traditionally this meant Bad Hair, Bad Teeth. You can use it to reference the British.)

*/
.|.
(Flying Farang)

I lied earlier, there is an emoticon for “my buffalo died”

$:-) : 8==D
(Yes, I am a moneyboy, also used for Yes, I am Thai)

(_|_) !
(Cute ass!)

(__|__)
(Sexpat)

(___T___)
(Pattaya sexpat at the beach)

:-p
(Despite what you may think, this is not an offer to rim you)

:-} o|o
(Lick my balls. Note that this type of request from you will usually generate the following response from a Thai: $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$)

8==D ~ ~ 0-: ?
(Do you swallow? Note that being hanged up on is the same as a no.)

8==D (_!_)
(Anal. With a question mark added it’s for asking if you can fuck him. This is a useful tool at the gogo bar when trying to define just exactly what ‘everything’ means.)

Some of Thailand’s hottest men are only a SMS away.

WTF?: Sexting Acronyms:
A slight step up from emoticons is the use of acronyms. If you think LOL is an abbreviated closing salutation meaning Lots Of Love, you may want to try hanging out with a few guys under the age of 60 before trying your hand at sexting. On the other hand, if you immediately know what TMMPFS* means, you are probably sexting someone as you read this.
The biggest problem with acronym sexting in Thailand is that many of the more commonly used abbreviations either don’t translate well or are inapplicable for use in the Land of Smiles. Here is a list of some that you should be careful in using:

143: Traditionally this meant I Love You. In Thailand it is the moneyboy’s version of Sawatdee.

IWSN: I Want Sex Now. A waste of thumb use, you are a farang, of course you want sex now.

LMIRL: Let’s Meet In Real Life. Real life has nothing to do with Thailand, that it is a fantasy world is why you travel there in the first place. Besides a Thai guy is not going to be sexting with you just for the fun of it. Just punch in your hotel room number and be done with it.

TDTM: Talk Dirty To Me. Yeah Baby! If you get this message from a Thai guy, try the following reply on for size: I have already reached my daily ATM withdrawal limit. You can’t get any dirtier than that in Thailand.

GYPO: Get Your Pants Off. Good luck with that. Even the most experienced moneyboy keeps his goods under wraps up to and including getting into bed.

JEOMK: Just Ejaculated On My Keyboard. A nice abbreviation to tell a guy how hot you think he is, there are two possible outcomes when using this one in Thailand. The guy will quit sexting with you assuming you really did cum (which means you got a freebie off him and are no longer of any use for the night) or he will immediately come to your hotel room, assuming he’ll score a tip without any additional work since you’ve already blown your wad.

IWTJOIADFY**
In Thailand, cool it with the kink until you get him to your hotel room.

FWB: Friends With Benefits. Ask any Thai guy if he wants to be FWB with you and the answer will be yes. You may think this means lots of fuck buddy sex; he’ll assume he’s in line for a new cell phone, some gold jewelry, and a new motocy.

DUSL: Do You Scream Loud? No need to inquire, when he sees your naked body that scream will be shrill enough to wake the dead. And I don’t mean your dick.

IF/IB: in the front or in the back. If the Thai guy sexting with you asks, note he is not interested in your preferred position but rather which pocket you keep your wallet in.

N/L/L: This is a useful abbreviation used by bar boys for their real life greeting of “Where you from? Where you stay” How long you stay Thailand?” The traditional reply is, “I lie you.”

As a typical sex touri (i.e., Caucasian, elderly, not in the best of shape) these additional acronyms may be of use:

LOLTIHC: Laughing Out Loud Turning Into Hacking Cough

ROTFBICGBU: Rolling On The Floor Because I Can’t Get Back Up

KT: Kids Today . . .

IHTTMN: I Have To Take My Nitroglycerin

PFTLOCSC911: Please, for the Love of Christ, Somebody Call 911!

(*That Makes My Pants Feels Smaller)
(**I Want To Jack Off Into A Diaper For You)

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