Remember the good old days when gay pride celebrations meant an argument over whether it was a good or bad thing to have all the media’s attention on the drag queens marching in the parade? We’ve come a long way baby. Now corporate America has gotten in on the act, showing its support for gay rights and equality, or that they recognize and appreciate the power of the pink dollar in their never ending pursuit of green.
Kraft Foods made a big splash with their Gay Pride Oreo this year – not mind you that they actually manufactured the cookie, they just posted a mock-up shot on their Facebook page and got a few million dollars worth of free publicity for their efforts. Who knew rainbows could be polarizing? Or so profitable?
Rainbow colored foods are nothing new. Unsuspecting millions of moms have been creating rainbow food extravaganzas for their kids for years. Or maybe that was mom sending a subtle message, “Yes, dear, I know you are.”
The gay community likes to lay claim to rainbow inspired dishes, but I think they are actually a conservative right-wing nutter plot. You’ll notice every dish that gets the rainbow treatment is loaded with carbs and sugar – eat enough of these and no self-respecting gay man will want to have anything to do with you. Think of it as sugar coated aversion therapy.
Even outside of the rainbow world, obesity has become America’s #1 health risk; encouraging gay men to suck down rainbow colored pastries is not a good idea. The government is big on warning of the dangers of smoking and requires Big Tobacco to envelope their packaging with notices of their product’s health risks. The government could easily do so for unhealthy foods too. And all it would take to turn men away from fatty foods drenched in sugar would be the simple disclaimer:
WARNING: For every 35 pounds of extra weight you loose one inch in dick size.
(Sure that wouldn’t do much to scare women off from eating the foods that will pack the poundage on them, but then being a gay man I don’t really care how fat the women of America get. Though a warning posted that their expansion into blimpdom may cause their boyfriend to start eyeballing their gay best friend might be a nice PSA – especially if it puts ideas into their boyfriends’ heads.)
Rainbow confectioneries are all well and good, especially if you like your gay sprinkled with fairy dust, but that doesn’t make it gay food. That’s a whole different food group. And we’re talking meat here, not bakery goods. Well, unless the bakery goods are shaped like meat. I guess if you have to hit the bakery for your fill of penis-shaped foods, a nice warm loaf of dick bread is the way to go. It still has a higher calorie count than you really need, but of you count eating it as practice I think that evens it out.
I hadn’t realized Mother nature got in on the act until I ran across the penis pepper, also known as the peter pepper. A Heirloom pepper, meaning its was specifically grown to take its present shape that greatly mimics the look of a circumcised penis, it is most commonly grown in eastern Texas and Louisiana. It has a very high Scoville rating, suggesting it is more suitable for ornamental use than human consumption, but then you’d be hard pressed to not at least give one a lick.
If you can’t resist and find yourself having to indulge in rainbow sweets, keep in mind that the average person burns 78 calories during 15 minutes of sex. To offset the calories in that six-layered rainbow Oreo – which has 380 calories – you’d have to have sex about 5 times. Or once for 73 minutes. Trading off the calories you’d gain from eating a loaf of penis bread with those you’d burn in having oral sex would take you almost 30 blow jobs (unless you swallow; an average ejaculation contains 7-14 calories which you’d have to make up with another dick or two).
Of course, if you’ve eaten too many stacks of rainbow pancakes smothered in syrup the only sex you’ll manage to burn some of that fat off is masturbation. According to the Young People’s Reproductive and Sexual Health & Rights Organization, you can lose between 100-150 calories for each act of masturbation. Japanese scientist Dr. Shukan Tokuho says you can raise that amount to around 300 calories, though, through a 5 minute vigorous masturbation session. Chow down on that stack of flapjacks picture above and you’ll need to jack your flap about a dozen times, or half a dozen times with gusto.
Who knew loosing weight could be so much fun? Or that getting fat could be considered a form of gay pride?
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