Lady Gaga landed in the City of Angels and stirred up the little devils with a welcoming tweet in which she said she was excited in be in Bangkok and was looking forward to getting lost in a lady market and buying a fake Rolex. Not realizing the diva du jour already gets enough publicity, her comments drew outrage from Thais. It was not her veiled reference to the ready availability of prostitution that upset them mind you, but her remark about the ready availability of knock-off merchandise in Thailand’s capital city.

No stranger to controversy, but rather having built a career around it, I doubt Lady Gaga is overly concerned about the mini furor her tweet caused. Still, out of cultural sensitivity, she may hesitate in asking where in town she should shop for her fake Rolex. Since her posse landed her ass at the airport no one uses any longer I doubt if they’d know. And while I wouldn’t know a Lady Gaga song if it bit me in the ass (which isn’t an age thing, I’d do no better trying to come up with anything by Madonna) she has been supportive of the gay community so I thought I’d return the favor and give her the low down on her best shopping choices while she’s in the Big Mango.

Khaosan Road. Bangkok’s backpacker ghetto is a perfect place for the good Lady to go for a shopping spree. Even if she wore the rubber dress she landed in, no one would bat an eye. In fact she’d be hard pressed to look stranger than those who haunt the area. Rolex-wise though this is not the best place to buy a fake watch. The vendors know the farang touri who frequent Khaosan are not savvy world travellers. There’s also the karma payback for the blight they inflict on the town by their mere presence. Gaga can find her Rolex here but she’ll pay at least 2,500 baht for it. And that’s only if she gets someone in her entourage to bargain hard for the watch.

Patpong. Gaga’s time in Bangkok will be limited, so a night out in Patpong can take care of both of the things she wants to do while in the Kingdom. ‘Lady market’ is an odd twist of a phrase, but perfectly describes the flesh pots that line the Patpong Night market. So plenty of whores. And even more fake Rolexes. Unless the Boys in Brown decide to hold one of their famous crack-downs thanks to her remarks (which means she’d have to ask rather than point to the watch she’s interested in).

Saving a buck might not be on the agenda of a multimillionaire, but since she could afford the real thing and wants a knock-off instead, getting a good deal should be part of her goal. That won’t happen in Patpong. The vendors there are used to dealing with newbies to the city who haven’t a clue about prices and values. At best, she will be able to snag a fake Rolex for 2,000 baht in Patpong. She can get a lady, or boy, or a combination of the two for the same price.

Pantip Plaza. If you are looking for counterfeit goods there is no better Mecca in town than this multi-floored salute to piracy. Though ostensibly dedicated to computer and technology products, there are vendors here too that offer the latest in knock-off designer watches. You just have to brave the gauntlet of porn dvd sellers to find them. She can also load up on CDs while shopping at Pantip, including her own.

Locals flock to Pantip, though few are interested in knock-off jewelry with all the pirated software on display. Vendors tend to offer better pricing though since they are used to dealing with the local market. So a visit to Pantip could save Gaga a few baht. If she haggles better than she sings she could walk way with her cherished Rolex for as little as 1,800 baht from Pantip.

Sukhumvit. The street from soi 3 to Asoke is littered with vendor stalls nightly and sellers here offer some of the best touri prices in town. That’s because the area is a favorite of sex touri looking to do the town, and its working girls, on the cheap. That many of them are selling fake Rolexes should come as no surprise because many of the women working this area are fake too. Hopefully someone in her posse will tell her the girls along Sukhumvit were not born this way.

Gaga biggest danger in hitting Sukhumvit is that she may get mistaken for a ladyboy. But then that could mean landing a customer who is not a cheap bastard and who will buy a fake rolex for her. That’s a win-win, with an orgasm thrown in on top. If she doesn’t luck out in the customer department and has to buy her own watch, this is probably the best place in town due to her tight schedule to grab a good deal. Her best bet is to barter hard then walk away; that’ll get the vendor to drop his price by another 100 baht or so and she’ll get her fake Rolex for as little as 1,500 baht.

Regardless of where Gaga shops for her fake Rolex or how much she pays, it will stop working within the year. But then that will give her an excuse to return to Thailand soon, and that will make a lot of little Thai monsters quite happy.

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