I love getting email from Noom, my bar boy friend and current love of my life. When I do, they are seldom about anything earth shattering. Usually they are nothing more than reaching out and staying in touch. When ever I get an unexpected email from him, it brightens up my entire day.

Like all diligent bar boys, Noom is reliable in sending an email to wish me the best on any and all major holidays. Since that means both Western and Thai holidays, I hear from him often. That also means I get two to three Happy New Year! email messages each year. Less if I am in Bangkok for New Years as usual. But then I’ll gladly sacrifice getting an email from him for being with him any day. Holiday or not. I’m not always sure what the Thai holiday is all about that spurs an email from him, but really don’t care because getting an email is enough reason to celebrate in my book.

When I initiate a series of email exchanges, Noom always makes sure to reply. Though that sometimes takes a few weeks. He is not connected at home and has to use an internet shop, which is not one of his frequently visited places of business. I don’t often send him email without hearing from his first. It’s not just the internet cafe visit thingy but the effort required to compose a message in English. Um, his, not mine.

Noom’s spoken English is adequate. And he understands a lot of English, though nowhere near as much as he pretends. Reading English, or at least sounding out the words, he is a master at. Understanding what the words are: not so much. And putting the English words he comes up with down on paper is difficult for him at best. I’m pretty sure he cuts and pastes the phrases he’s used in the past with success rather than trying to come up with new ones. But then it’s not the words but the intent that really matters. Even then, his personality comes through. In an email he sent at the beginning of the year, he reported on the local weather as usual – now hot not, as he put it – and then added how cold it has been in Chiang Mai. And added, “hehehehehehehe.” To Noom, the pain and discomfort of others is always good for a laugh.

Other than for holiday greetings, I hear from him when he needs something. You’d think, being a bar boy, that would be about money. It seldom is. Sometimes it’s his need to know how to say something in English. But then not having the English to ask makes his request difficult to understand. We do this in person quite often too. With only slightly better results. After playing Twenty Questions and getting nowhere, we turn to Google Images and once I finally see the light I supply him with the word he wanted. Via email, I give it a shot, probably get it wrong, and then the subject drops.

The one time Noom did ask for money, a loan (which for you naysayers he did pay back and without me asking him to), his initial email was as difficult to translate as most. He listed several reasons why he needed the money and why he was unable to come up with the cash himself. It was an admirable effort. None of which I could decipher. The dollar amount, however, was clear. I emailed him back with info – as simply stated as possible – on how I would be sending him the cash. Once he got the money I’d sent he sent me an email saying thanks. It was obvious he’d enlisted the help of someone who spoke better English to do so. That effort meant even more than the thank you.

A year later we ran across his English translator when we were out shopping at Siam Paragon one day. She was a young thirty-something ESL teacher who donated time to teach English to those working in Thailand’s commercial sex industry through SWING. The classes are free, so even if Noom didn’t have a desire to improve his English, the ‘free’ part would have captured his interest. The teacher was with her boyfriend, theirs was a long-distance relationship since she had settled in Thailand and he stayed back in England. Noom and Sue hadn’t seen each other in a while and did the hugs and kisses greeting typical of two gregarious people delighted to unexpectedly see an old friend. Sue spoke Thai well, but didn’t have her guy-speak down to the same degree of proficiency; boyfriend gave ‘that look’ to Noom not pleased with the friendliness of their greeting and no more pleased with Noom’s hot body and good looks.

Some people have a talent for being dense in any language. Sue didn’t pick up on her boyfriend’s reaction. But I did. I considered explaining their relationship to him, but then thought knowing Noom could be had for a price by anyone interested might not do much to help qualm his concerns. Instead I let Noom identify me to the group. He went with the not-often used boyfriend moniker. (Sigh.)

Immediately Sue knew who I was, mentioned the email to Noom in Thai – while I played dumb and acted like I couldn’t understand them – and then proceeded to tell me how she’d helped him write his email message. Dense is as dense does; that evidently was supposed to be a secret and Noom wasn’t pleased with her spilling the beans. Not that she picked up on that either. The decision to become a ESL teacher in Bangkok does not bespoke a firm grasp on reality. Noom switched to his ‘I’m not at all happy’ smile, which to the uninitiated looks quite similar to his normal grinning face. Sometimes you need not speak any specific tongue to communicate well.

Checking to see how many people were bitching about the alcohol ban for Makha Bucha Day on Jabba’s board (three pages worth at current count) the other day, I ran across a post by Smiles. I enjoy reading Smiles’ posts about his relationship with his old man, Suphot. The lengthier ones are usually more understandable than his short, and often muddled, one-liner posts. At times, Noom’s emails are easier to decipher. But then like with some by Christian PFC, his better contributions offer details and personal observations about places in Thailand not regularly frequented by tourists, or places that I’ve not yet managed to hit. This one had something to do with the rainy season, and included an excerpt from an email Smiles received from Suphot.

I thought it was an email from Noom. The similarity in grammar and syntax was amazing. But then I’ve often read about the Thais who teach English adhering to common mistakes they all make due to face saving; in Thailand it is better to be wrong than to ever say someone else is. And if you were to do so, I believe that would require the use of the word ‘not’ in succession at least three times. Relying on a fellow countryman to learn a foreign tongue might provide a better vocabulary but has just as much chance of helping you to mangle a language that neither of you don’t really understand.

I give Noom a lot of credit for the amount of English he does know. And even more for his desire, and efforts, in learning more. How he goes about doing so, is not quite as admirable. Free classes through SWING help greatly. Free lessons from Thai television, not so much. I usually ignore the Thai TV shows he likes to watch, feeling a nap is a better use of my time while he’s engaged with the small screen. But one afternoon I did catch a language lesson that came on right after a cooking show/reality TV/celebrity show case/sit-com that he particularly enjoys. The PSA offered an English phrase, explained what it meant in Thai, showed the English wording at the bottom of the screen, and then after a commercial break came back on and repeated the lesson.

Noom’s attention was glued to the screen. He repeated the English along with the announcer, moved closer to the TV and used his finger to trace each word as he pronounced it, and then spent the next day peppering his speech with his new English phrase. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that though they had all the words correct, their order was a bit jumbled. But I’ve made that error in the past and know his answer. Not agreeing with me he’d say, “Yes, but in Thailand we say . . . .”

As difficult as Noom’s email messages are to decipher at times, I’m glad he doesn’t use Google to translate his wording. I’ve written a short message in English, had Google translate it to Thai, and then translated that Thai back into English to see how well it did. It didn’t. Noom does better than Google’s translation algorithms. And that’s a shame. I’d hoped to be able to send him an email in Thai so that he would not have to try to figure out what I was saying in English. After seeing how poorly Google did, I wouldn’t dare. God only knows what I would end up promising him. I already risk that particular hazard just sticking to English.

Like most of Noom’s emails, this post really has no point. Other than the pleasant memories it invokes just by existing. But I will leave you with a recent latest email he sent, which after trying to parse I had to go back to the previous exchange to attempt to find some context. There was none. I haven’t a clue what he was writing about up to the part where he mentions his father’s health (I’d enquired as to it in my last email to him). So there are three sentences or so about something. Something which was/is important to him or he wouldn’t have gone to the effort to come up with that many words.

Thank you and very happy for get your E-mail. Is ok for anything. If you can’t but sometime when i can’t do anything i make you you. But i can do i have to try ok? Dont’s need for me you not. @ My papa better more then. I have to go to Hospitol everyday. And my brother him too. @ New Year. Sure 7 year. In next years is 8. (^_^) I hope youe Bussiness Good and good Take care your self.

The ‘@s’ are something new. Noom is quite fond of emoticons and uses them freely. I get lots of smiley faces, roses, and hearts on every email he sends me. He may think @ is an emoticon too, possibly an elephant.

As I often do when I can’t understand him, I ignored the part that seemed to make no sense figuring if it really mattered he’ll find a new tact to use when he broaches the subject again. My email in response was an early Valentine’s Day message that, in as few and as simple words as possible, expressed my love for him and what he means to me. Noom composed his reply by himself. And as lengthy as it was I had no difficulty in understanding every word. Even the succession of nots.

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