How To Off A Bar Boy: A Different Kind of 12 Step Program
Let’s Review . . .
You undoubtedly know how to get yourself off – which will come in handy in case you pick out a dud to spend the night with while on holiday in Bangkok – but may not be familiar with how to off a bar boy from one of Thailand’s gay gogo bars. I’ve covered 90% of that process in these First Timer’s Guide To Bangkok Gay Gogo Bars posts, but not in an easy to use basic step by step instructional manner. Normally, I wouldn’t care. But a recent reader asked for the process to be explained and rather than answer a newbie’s question I wanted to tell him to go read the applicable post. Not having an applicable post made that difficult. So I deleted his comment instead.
Telling a newbie to go look it up rather than provide the information he is after is a tradition on all the gay Thailand message boards. Being able to take part in that curt, abrupt, and often rude tradition of abuse is something I do not want to be left out of. So here’s my step by step process for offing a boy from a gogo bar in Bangkok. (You need not read it now, I will link to it hundreds of times in the future when other newbies ask.)
1. Pick a bar, any bar. The one a barker shoves you into while you are walking down soi Twilight acting like you had no idea the street was filled with establishments offering naked men to ogle or to order as take out will work fine. If this is your first visit even if that bar’s boys are not the kind of guys who curl your toes, you’ll still be in heaven.
2. As a customer you have a right upon entering the bar to check it out and make sure it is to your liking. As Thais, those working in the bar have the right to treat you like fresh meat. They are better at being Thai than you will ever be at being a customer, so just go with it.
3. You will be shown to a seat facing the stage. Quit staring at the naked guys on stage and sit down. Once seated, start staring at the naked guys on stage.
4. A staff member will ask you what you want to drink. You probably will not understand their question. The drink is a gift from the bar in exchange for you paying a overcharge for watching the show. The longer you sit there, the more cover charges you will pay. The price is fixed. It does not matter if you order water, champagne, or a Johnnie Walker Blue. Except that they will know what water is and god knows what you’ll get as a whiskey. Mixed drinks and shots will all be of the cheapest brand of liquor available in Thailand. Which is probably illegal to sell in your home country. Your best bet is a Singha, a local beer. It will come in a bottle and you don’t then have to be concerned of when the glass you’d otherwise get had been last washed. Because it never has been.
Your cover charge that you mistakenly thought of as the price for a drink will run you somewhere around $10. Don’t bitch about the price, you are a newbie. Ten years from now when you are an experienced and jaded customer – often referred to as an expat – you can let the world know what a cheap bastard you are and bitch non-stop about how much drinks costs at gogo bars. But that’s an honor that has to be earned. You are not there yet.
5. The stage will be filled with hot and not-so-hot young and not-so-young Thai men wearing skimpy underwear. They all stand staring vacantly into space. We call this dancing. They call it work. The boys will slowly rotate around the stage so that you can weigh the pluses and minuses of each of them much as you would when buying cattle. If the stage is in the middle of the bar, they will face in each direction during some point of the rotation. This is so that tops can check out the important part to them and bottoms can check out the important parts to them. It also keeps the boys from falling asleep. If the bar is too small for a center stage, mirrors on the wall will allow you front and rear viewing opportunities.
6. The guys on stage will all be wearing numbered badges. This is neither their age or size. It is their name. The other name they use is made up too and for you will be unpronounceable, so just get used to calling your new best buddy twenty-eight. The number system is so that you can identify which boy you are interested in to a mamasan. It also comes in handy when making your list of potential boys. Unless you fall into lust, take your time in selecting a boy. Depending on the size of the bar’s stable there may be several different stages full of guys to choose from and you don’t want to commit to one when a better boy may come along later. On the other hand, they are cheap and it’s just as easy to buy a few.
7. When you have made your selection tell the annoying staff member who has been screeching, “You want boy?” in your ear which you want. You have a 60% chance of getting the guy you indicated. You also have a 90% chance of never reaching this stage of the transaction. Thais are helpful people and are concerned about making your visit to their country as enjoyable as possible. At the bar, many helpful boys will come sit by you without your having ever shown any intention.
8. Regardless of how he got there, the boy will greet you with the traditional Thai welcome of, “Where you from?” He’ll follow that up with “Where you stay?” and “How long you stay Bangkok?” Depending on your answers he may start playing with your crotch, or run away screeching in terror. These questions provide him with the important information about you. Where you are from tells him culturally how big of a tipper you are and what type of disgusting perverted sexual acts you will be interested in. Where you are staying tells him how rich, or how cheap you are. How long your holiday is tells him how many nights he can expect to book you as a customer.
If you do not like the boy and do not want him to stay with you, when he asks where you are from tell him India. He will leave immediately. And you may be asked to leave the bar. If that didn’t work, tell him you are staying in a shared room at a hostel in Khaosan. If he hasn’t fled by then quickly add that your six room mates are all from India and share everything.
If you like the boy and he does not find you repulsive, meaning you seem to have some cash, the only thing either of you are interested in is cutting the deal and heading back to your hotel. The bar will want you to buy him a drink first. His too is a cover charge. Even though he is in the show.
9. Before you leave the bar with the meat you selected, you will pay for your drinks, the drinks you bought for boys, the drinks you bought for waiters, and the drinks you bought for the mamasan and/or captain. You will also pay for drinks that magically appeared on your bill though never served to anyone. On top of the charges for booze, you will also pay an ‘off fee’ or bar fine. The amount depends on the bar but will be between 300 and 500 baht. Since fives are easier to add, expect your off fee to be at the higher end of the scale.
During your evening at the bar, as you bought drinks for yourself and all of your new friends, the waiter has skipped a piece of scribbled on paper into your check bin, a small round cup sitting on the table in front of you. The off fee bill will be added to your check bin, and then a mamasan will add up the amounts on the papers. She will use her fingers and toes to do so. If she is a ladyboy, she may use her dick to carry the one. When the mamasan frowns, it means she lost count. Then she will pull a number out of the air as your total.
Your change will be returned in a check wallet, loaded down with coins. Every Thai in the bar, including customers will look at you for a tip. You might want to review the specific post on this blog about tipping at gogo bars to find out just how many of them should be tipped, and how much. Or save yourself the time and follow local custom: Thais do not tip.
10. Back at your hotel after tipping the hotel front desk – a tip known as a joiner fee which is a service charge to thank the hotel for pimping its rooms out – you and your boy du jour will finally be alone. Now that he can devote all of his attention to you, he’ll ignore you preferring the company of your television instead. Go take a shower. A cold shower is not a bad idea because there is a good choice the guy you picked out is a dud and you won’t be getting any.
When you are clean it is time to be direct: tell your boy to go shower. He knows this means the main event is to start up. An hour later, and after you have mopped up all the water flooding out of the bathroom, you’ll finally get what you paid for. Good luck with that.
11. When you are done, your boy will shower again to rinse the stench of you off of him. When he is through and dressed he will head towards the door and then pause. This is when you tip him. The boy will not have change, make sure you have the amount you’ve decided to tip readily available. Most boys will take your money, wai, and depart. Some will take your money, ask for more, pout when you do not give them more, and then wai, and depart. Congrats. You just hired yourself a prostitute, possibly the first time in your life you have ever done so. Live with it. Tomorrow night, and for many years in the future, you will be doing it again.
12. Repeat as necessary, or up until the time your plane departs.
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