And speaking of masturbation, today is the primary in South Carolina and the Republicans just need to lube up Mitt for Brains and insert him where it’ll bring them the most joy. Since that crazy bitch dropped out of the race, their cat fight just ain’t that much fun anymore. Of far more interest this week was Marky Mark’s announcement that he is the only man on the planet who doesn’t masturbate.

In a new interview with Men’s Journal, Mark Wahlberg talked about his lack of being in touch with himself. “I don’t get down with jerking off, dude,” he said. “Look. I don’t believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I’m a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me, being horny all the time, spanking the monkey, I mean, it’s not against the law. You can do whatever you want. And it’s not like, ‘I shouldn’t do it because of my faith. I’m just not really that into it that much anyway.’”

That’s cool. Maybe it has something to do with that third nipple of his, or that the number of men who jack off thinking about Mark makes up for his lack of participation in man’s favorite pastime. But it’s interesting that he felt the need to bring up religion, even though he then claims his religious beliefs have nothing to do with his inability to excite himself. Call me crazy, but he’s starting to sound like a presidential nominee candidate. Maybe Mitt doesn’t have that position quite a sewn up as he thought?