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NUDE ASIAN MALE

Undoubtedly the most frequently asked question on the gay Thailand message boards is one of price. Newbies always want to know how much a night of their wildest dreams will cost them. Some are concerned over the amount, most want to not be seen as a cheapskate. Or to be taken for a ride (well, at least not a financial one). The posted responses run from ridiculously low to ridiculously high but are probably a true reflection of the scene. The most worthless advice – but also the most accurate – is that it is up to you.

Actually the most worthless advice is the typical smug, “Try using this board’s search function, we’ve answered this one before.” Too late for this year, but I think my next year’s New Year resolution will be to try and be the first person to post that reply to every such query across the boards. It’s good to have a goal in life. Sure, that info is already out there, hell it’s already on this blog too. But ‘old’ info posing as up to date info is one of the internet’s biggest faults. It’s understandable that any newbie preparing for a trip should be trying to find out what the current price is. Armed with that info, or at best a basic idea of the acceptable spread, the gay gogo bar first timer can then delve into a more appropriate concern: the question isn’t what cost love, but rather how to best seal the deal. Because that’s where fantasy and reality collide.

I know. I know. You’re going, “yeah, yeah, but how much!?” Um, try using this blog’s search function, we’ve answered this one before.
(Sorry, just practicing.)

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A lot of advice from those willing to answer the ‘how much’ question is that you should talk to the bar boy first; the matter of price should be fully discussed while still at the bar. That makes sense. If you were in Kansas. But this ain’t Kansas anymore, if you hadn’t noticed Dorothy. You dumb cunt. Sitting in a gogo bar and having a full and frank discussion about how much you’ll pay and what the boy will do is impossible. For several reasons.

First, the 70s greatest disco hits soundtrack will be blaring so loudly that neither you or your conquest for the evening will be able to hear each other. Second, your bar boy really doesn’t speak English, he’s just learned a few common phrases guaranteed to earn him a big tip. Third, the blood required for your brain to function rationally and to form complete sentences, thanks to the hot piece of Thai sweetness rubbing your leg, has all rushed to where it is needed the most: your other head. But then maybe that’s a good thing. If you were capable of speaking in complete sentences it’d only jinx the deal anyway. Verbosity in a gay gogo bar is the quickest route to disappointment.

What idiot – who obviously has little clue about the workings of the Thai bar boy mind – came up with the idea that you should set out a sliding payment scale for him to chose from? I recently ran across a post where the infamous proverbial ‘guy that I know’ was attributed with that idea and honored as being that idiot. The post claimed: I know of one savvy foreigner who says in the bar, “look, I want to take you off tonight. I’ll pay you 500 baht for massage only. 1,000 baht for oral or 1500 for everything for short time. It is up to you what you want to do and I’m happy with any of them. Would you like to go off with me or do you have other plans?”

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Seriously? You really thought that soliloquy was going to uncomplicated matters? The poor bar boy is busy trying to guess just how expensive of a cell phone he’s gonna be able to get you to buy him, and you’re playing corporate board room negotiator? If he was even listening, the only thing he heard was 500 baht, 1000 baht and 1500 baht. Thai bar boys may not be skilled at English, but they are great at math. And you just promised him 3,000 baht. And an iPhone.

And oral? You actually think you should ask a boy if he performs oral? Do you really think a Thai bar boy knows that term? Here’s one of the few Thai words you’ll ever need to learn: Sa-moke. And guess what, all Thai bar boys smoke. So why are you even asking?

Part of the ‘up to you’ paradigm is the potential for a large tip. Even if you agree to a specific amount at the bar, your boy is going to be hoping for more. And he’ll agree to whatever amount you state – within reason – knowing that opportunity exists. Part of being Thai is never having to make a decision. Flight attendants on Thai Air know this and never ask a local if they prefer chicken or beef. They just hand them a food tray. You should follow their lead. Following the ‘savvy’ advice of the negotiator instead, you’ll not only ask an either or question, but an either or question with a follow up or. Good luck with that.

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The same pundit suggested asking “do you want to go with me tonight?” Let me save you the effort. The verbal answer will be yes. Internally, the answer is: look you old fat disgusting buffalo, I’m straight and you are the furthest thing from my ideal sexual partner. If I had a choice I’d rather fuck a dead soi dog, but mange infested dogs don’t pay as well so instead I’m sitting here in my underwear acting like I’m falling in love with you while you’re busy trying to get reassurance that you are an acceptable sex partner. My only hope is that you’ll come quickly, preferably with the lights off, and that I can then flee back to my friends rather than have to listen to you snore and fart in a freezing room all night.

Some questions are better left unasked.

Verbal communication isn’t all that. Watch for nonverbal clues instead if you feel the need to be accepted. If the bar boy is turned away from you, hasn’t touched you and pulled away when you touched him, it’s probably a no go. If the bar boy is busy watching the show – cuz he’s never seen his bar mates fuck on stage before – it’s probably a no go. If you asked the mamasan to send #18 over and he fled screaming into the back room, it’s probably a no go. Any other reaction is a yes, he will go with you.

While still at the bar, should you discuss the specifics of what you want to do once back in your room? Sure. I guess. But follow that age-old rule of wisdom: KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid).

If you are a bottom – unless you are a real dumb bottom and picked an obviously gay boy who can out bottom you any day of the week – whether or not your bar boy d jour will fuck you is not a question. Yes. He will. That’s why they invented Viagra. If you are a top and want to fuck the boy it becomes a bit more problematic. Unfortunately even if you ask in the simplest of terms and use your hands to pantomime the act to ensure he understands, seldom will the answer be no. Usually it will be, “I do everting”. Which actually means, “I’ll do everything that you should expect a straight bar boy to do. Which does not include allowing you to mount me.”

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In a perfect world (that’d be a world where Thai bar boys can communicate in your mother tongue) all details of a night’s off would be settled before you and the boy head back to your hotel. In the real word communicating is probably the #1 cause of miscommunication. At best you may be able to signal to the boy what he’s in for. A guarantee on performance just isn’t part of the deal.

You’re in lust and want him to say yes to whatever you propose. And he knows that. So he’s going to say yes and make you happy. The details will work themselves out later. That easily paves the way for disgruntled customers. Your best bet is to cross your fingers and hope for the best. Give the pre-sex negotiations a try, but do not assume you just established the program for the night. And then be happy with whatever happens. One way or another you’ll get a happy ending out of the deal. If it wasn’t quite what you had planned, consider your good fortune in experiencing whatever acts you did get to enjoy. You could, after all, be in Kansas instead.