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The Art And Science Of Being A Butterfly
For total newbies, ‘butterfly’ is the term the local boys use to refer to customers who flit from one guy to the next. Variety may be the spice of life, but to a bar boy it means a loss of tip money. Bangkok bar boys do not like butterflies. Usually. If a bar boy urges you to become a butterfly, offering a line-up of his bar mates for you to off in his stead, you may want to reconsider your daily hygiene regime. That you are old, fat, bald, have a tiny dick or a grumpy disposition will not rule you out for the honor of being a repeat customer. Being badly in need of a bath will.
If you are a cheap bastard, you won’t be invited for seconds either, but the boy won’t pawn you off to his friends; on your next visit to his bar, the mamasans, waiters, and the entire stable of boys will ignore you instead. A bit of soap will take care of the first problem, rereading any one of my posts about the cost of a night’s companionship at a gay gogo bar in Bangkok should set you straight if squeezing the last satang out of a baht is your preference.
You’d think spending a few hours with a Thai bar boy would be much the same as any other commercial sex scene elsewhere in the world. And there are many similarities. But it’s the differences that make the Thai gogo bar world so extraordinary. Elsewhere a rent boy may appreciate repeat business, in Bangkok bar boys live for landing a multiple off customer. But it’s not just repeat business they are after. They also are looking for a sponsor, someone willing to take care of them. And their financial needs. And the financial needs of their family. And the financial needs of their friends. If you fall on the side of a potential sponsor, the last thing a Thai bar boy wants to find out is that you prefer to float like a butterfly.
The species of butterflies known to Thai bar boys are customers who want a different guy every night. Forget the possibility of a life-long commitment to his bank account, a butterfly means he’s not going to even score a second night. Butterflies are not a popular breed of customer in Thailand, but bar boys are used to the strange ways of farang and will accept that they netted a butterfly with no ill-will as long as you pay attention to a few social rules of the road.
You may think that if you paid your money, there is no obligation on your part to play the game according to bar boy rules. And while you are right in this belief, failing to observe a few simple rules can mean your experiences on future nights and with future guys will not be what you dreamed of. Misunderstandings are common; you speak English, he speaks bar boy so what you think you said may not be what he heard. Here are 10 tips that will help you navigate the world of Thai bar boys:, protect your butterfly status, and ensure your entire holiday is filled with wonderful sexcapades with a variety of hot studs:
1. Short Times Makes For Best Times: Assuming you qualify as a customer the bar boy wants to see more of, nothing will kill his interest quicker than you only wanting a short-time off. To a bar boy interested in an extended business relationship, that’s the kiss of death. If you are not interested in spending the entire night with him, he knows you will not be interested in committing yourself to a life-long relationship either. Offing a guy for short time only will make quick work out of his plans for your future. The bar boy phrase for short time is ‘You come, I go’. The customer’s is ‘I come, you go’. An oft repeated gem of wisdom is that with a bar boy you are not paying him for sex, you are paying him to leave after the sex. Make sure your money is well spent.
2. Fess Up, It’s Good For The Soul: The only Thai word you need to know is ‘butterfly.’ Use it as soon as possible to establish your desire to keep your wings free. Your bar boy du jour has already decided to schedule you for companionship for the next few days; he knows how many days because back at the bar he asked you, “How long you stay Bangkok?” You probably thought he was just carrying on a conversation; he was determining just how good of a catch you were and how long he could possibly keep you as a customer. Set him straight from the get-go. At the bar when he asks your name, reply, “I butterfly.”
3. Be Firm, But Polite: Pretty much anything you say a bar boy will take as a promise. You may try to be polite in answering his question of whether you want to see him again or not, but anything other than a firm ‘no’ quickly followed by, “I butterfly” will result in him thinking you are up for an extended relationship. If you didn’t decide to not off him again until after you bedded him, there is no reason to be rude about your plan to move onto greener pastures. You do not have to tell him he looked hotter in the dark of the bar or that he sucks dick like a lesbian. Bar boys are big on ‘face’, even when you’ve just shot your load on his. It’s not healthy to piss a bar boy off, so just make your claim of butterflyness and call it a night.
4. 1 + 1 = Forever: Often customers will off a guy for a night or two and then remember that variety is the spice of life. Bad mistake. By spending a second night with a bar boy you’ve signalled your interest in continuing the relationship. You now belong to him. Freeing yourself from his clutches will be messy, if not impossible. Hearing a Thai bar boy wail in agony and disappointment when the love of his life for the last two nights deserts him is a more grating sound than a pack of cats in heat. Or Thais singing traditional songs. Stick to a single off or face the consequences.
5. It’s His Bar, Not Yours: Even if you’ve made your butterfly status clear, showing up the next night at the bar the boy you offed the previous night works at will get his hopes up. Not a good idea unless you want to have him immediately attach himself to you when you walk in the door. You will not be able to pick a new boy out from that bar’s stable. Besides he already told all of his bar mates all about you: how fat you were, how hairy, the size of your dick, the funny noise you made when you came … you’re better off hitting a new bar and starting with a fresh slate.
6. You Can Run, But You Can Not Hide: If you chickened out and told a bar boy you’d come to his bar again and off him for another night – meaning you lied – trying to avoid him by hitting a different bar will not work. Bar boys are all in tune with each other and he’ll be alerted to your presence in a bar even if it is one further down the soi. He will find you. Your sex life in Bangkok will be screwed. And not in a good way.
7. Float Like A Butterfly, But Don’t Sting Like A Bee: Maybe you are an acceptable customer. Maybe your bar boy was a great lay. You can both be complementary about the other guy without committing yourself to a long term relationship. Just don’t use the ‘lub’ word. You do not have to be rude or abrupt in establishing your butterfly status. And should not be. It is neither necessary to make excuses or find fault. If you do, your bad rep will spread quickly through the bar boy world. Not being respectful of a bar boy one night will almost guarantee you land duds on the other nights you are out on the prowl.
8. Butterflies Are An Endangered Species, Protect Yourself From Extinction: Thai bar boys are not stupid. But they know farang are. You may tell a bar boy that you are a butterfly, but he’ll know better; that you just need a bit of encouragement to become tangled in his web. You may think announcing your status as a butterfly is enough, but it’s not. You need to be aware and continue to hold true to your desire to sample a different guy nightly. One slip of the tongue, one gaze of too lingering of a look is all it takes to confirm to the guy that you are hooked. Once he feels he’s landed you, you’re dead meat, your wings will have been clipped. Being a butterfly takes commitment. Failing to be strong results in a commitment.
9. Butterflies Are Free, Boyfriends Are Expensive: Many visitors are looking for a romantic adventure, to fall in love with a bar boy while visiting Thailand. That’s quite easy to accomplish. And there is nothing wrong with not playing the butterfly card. But, your financial obligation on repeated offs grows proportionally. He’ll need money for food and rent, his family’s buffalo may be ill, his cell phone will need replacing. Love is grand, but it costs. Being a butterfly means never having to pull your ATM card out of your wallet. Falling in love with a Thai bar boy means you better have made sure your bank account was well stocked before hopping on the plane. If your money runs out, you will get to be a butterfly whether that was your intention or not.
10. Try A Little Help From A Friend: Thai bar boys are first and foremost Thai. Their extended family pretty much encompasses everyone in the Kingdom. They consider their bar mates to be brothers and look after their well-being. If you have made it clear you are a butterfly, and qualified as a good customer, don’t be surprised if your guy suggests one of his friends for your next night’s bout of pleasure.
While you are under no obligation to follow his recommendation and off his friend, you may want to consider doing so. You will avoid having to establish your butterfly status, and will also avoid having to specify what it is you like or don’t like to do in bed. Your original bar boy will have already clued his buddy into every small detail about you. If the idea has no appeal, suggest instead that both guys join you back in your hotel room. The spectre of having to do disgusting things with a farang in front of a buddy will send most bar boys running. Then again, they may agree and you’ll be in for a real treat.
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christianpfc said:
I love this kind of posts!
dropdeadguys said:
Thanks Christian!
I’m gonna address the proper use of water bottles in bars on my next one.
🙂
Xian Darkthorne said:
This and the other Bar Boy posts should be required reading for newbies! It’s so true that I’m actually contemplating having a whole set of “butterfly” t-shirts made for my nest trip to Thailand…that or get a HUGE butterfly prominently tattooed somewhere that’ll show without my having to take off my shirt. LOL!
dropdeadguys said:
Now there ya go XD, T-shirts! Removes any question from the situation. I like it!
Stry said:
So, let’s say that I meet a barboy that I like. I off him for a short term. I don’t want to get caught up in the “boyfriend” situation, so I let him know that I am (or want to be) a “butterfly”. I go elsewhere/do something else for a couple of nights, but I off him again on the third night. Then I stay away from him, again, for another couple of nights, but return to off him again on that next third night. And this is the way that I try to handle it for however long I am there.
Is this enough to clearly let him know that I like him, I have fun with him and I like the sex with him, but I don’t want to be the “boyfriend/sponsor”. Or will I have somehow crossed a cultural line (made a mistake) and insulted him (or angered him). Is it possible to go back, occasionally, to the same barboy because you like him, without it being misread as wanting a long term (financial) commitment.
I’ve never done any of this, by the way. As I mentioned before, I have never been to Thailand, but I would like to go one day. And when that happens I’d like to have a clear idea of the right way and wrong way to do things. Your post on these subjects are fascinating reading for that reason.
As always, love you photos. Especially that last one where the dude is grabbing his ankles. Such flexibility should be admired in person.
dropdeadguys said:
“As always, love you photos. Especially that last one where the dude is grabbing his ankles. Such flexibility should be admired in person”
And rewarded too Stry.
As for your hypothetical series of offs, that would work well in my opinion. I have a few guys over the years that I off once or twice a trip but never more than one night at a time. They know I am a butterfly so there’s no push for anything other than the occassional off. And they are always glad to see me. I think the important thing is to be honest and upfront; they can deal with that. It’s when you say you”ll off them the next night and then don’t show that causes the problem. I’ve offed a guy for 2-3 nights before and made it clear I’d be moving on after that and that was no problem either. It’s when their hopes or expectatiions don’t get met that makes for a bothersome night.
But then since I met Noom, my wings have been clipped, so the butterfly thing is no longer a problem for me. Or for him.
Alba said:
Being a frequent flyer to Bkk (for work!) and a non-anglosaxon, I dare say this is the most fantastic blog of the kind and I cant stop admiring the irony, humour and finesse of the author. Congratulations!
dropdeadguys said:
Thank you Alba!
Glad you’ve been enjoying the blog.
Glad you enjoy your work, too.
🙂
And thanks for taking the time to leave a comment Alba.
luis said:
EXCELLENT !!! This and the other Bar Boy posts should be required reading for newbies (straight, gay or anywhere in the middle).
Question:
Is there any way to select a boi that is “trully gay” and not just “gay for pay” ?
Bangkokbois said:
Thank you luis, very kind of you.
And a simple question with a loaded answer!
Um, the fem boys are usually gay, or at least what we in the west would consider to be gay. After that it gets pretty fluid.
Most guys who consider themselves as ‘men’ would identify themselves as straight, but that really aligns more with masculinity than it does sexual identity. Thais are not quite as hung up on roles, so you will find straight acting guys who like having sex with men but who would not consider themselves gay. Those who work the bars are more about sex for pay, than gay for pay. You can easily find a guy who considers himself straight who’d love nothing more than to be in a relationship with you. Provided you are taking care of him.
lol. I don’t know that this answer makes any more sense to me than it might for you! Perhaps I’ll take another stab at this one in a full post. Out of curiosity though, why do you ask? What is it you are looking for that you feel you’ll get only from a gay bar boy?
Imran said:
I really enjoy reading your posts. Esp this series. I’ll be in bangkok soon, for the very first time with a group of friends. We are not sure abt how much to pay the guys we have brought to our rooms. The guide you have given only mentioned how much to pay the bar, but not the boy.
Your kind reply is most appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks Imran.
There are several posts here that provide recommended tip amounts and additional info about that custom. You may want to search them out, they expand on the whys for different amounts based on venue, location, and service. This one provides the basics:
http://wp.me/p1nwh9-2m
For now, the short answer assuming you mean in Bangkok gogo bars (host bars and massage joints are slightly different), and that when you say you are going with a group of friends you do not mean ya’ll are planning an orgy, the range is:
Short Time: 1,000 – 1,500 baht
Long Time: 1,500 – 2,500 baht
There are valid reasons for paying more, seldom are there good reasons for paying less.
Imran said:
Oh no! No orgies whatsoever. I was just using the pronoun that represents my friends, me and our boys. Thanks so much for your (unexpected) prompt reply.
Thanks also for the link. And I’ve just read it. My question on that post was also posted there.
Bangkokbois said:
Cool. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask. But you lucked out and caught me on-line this time around – don’t expect answers to always be that prompt!
Warwick said:
I love this site. Very informative and helpful.
I wish you could also write a post on how to deal with the massage joints.
We’d like to try it also.
Cheers…!
Bangkokbois said:
Thanks Warwick.
Sad to say I’m not a big fan of massage joints. But that’s personal taste and not reflective on the services they offer. (And I’m assuming you are talking about those for men by men with a happy ending being the primary reason for a visit.)
For a first timer they are not difficult to use. The host or manager will explain the fees, most even have a set ‘tip’ for the boy. Explain exactly what kind of guy you want and what you want to do and the manager will recommend those on staff who can fill your needs.
You may want to try one of the larger and more upscale places like Hero first. With that experience under your belt, you’ll do fine at the smaller places – they all tend to operate in close to the same manner.
Have fun!
as-boy said:
WOW! what a BIG post here! I just wish I read it long before, but still thanks for the mind-enlightening post. finally.out loud.
If I may add to the opinion of this post, Every off may just seem like a date whenever includes a hand-holding, or sharing ice cream sundae, or deep and long kissing, or having conversation with many flirtings, etc. Every sign may lead to miscommunication. I dont blame those romantic-hearted guy/farang. Again, culture and mindsets are very tricky.
So my point is, if any of those boys still stick like a glue after one night-off, and you feel like you need to – according to bangkokbois- SAMPLE every man in the club, may be it is time that you stated: ‘I came here with my boyfriend.’ or ‘I have a boyfriend. He is on a trip’. I supposed it’s loud and clear enough, without making anyone a jerk. afterall, there are terms: monogamous and open relationship.
Now I’m doing this here not necessary for helping people, or giving enlightenment (Yes Im still holding grudge to those bastards!!) But I’m just simply concern of Karma. I hope in the future these people will just simply concern of others feeling and say it out loud. Therefore, bless me! 🙂
Andi Cheok said:
Now I understand… Why on my third visit to X Boys.. the entire bar pre concluded I should be offing the same boy.. ha ha…
Well .. maybe I should start saving up for the dead buffalo ? Ha ha…
Bangkokbois said:
lol
Yes that might be a good idea!
Andi Cheok said:
hmm… can I get a buffalo over ebay? lol…
Bangkokbois said:
lol, now that’s being prepared!
Andi Cheok said:
lol…
Aaron said:
Hey master Shifu!
Hope you are well 🙂
Have a quick question. A friend of mine us joining me for a few days in Bangkok, and he likes his men ummmm… thick and juicy. Ok, he likes chubby guys. I prefer a six pack but hey, whatever makes your garden grow. He’s worried he won’t be able to find any bar boys to his liking. Are there chunky guys for him to roll around with there?
Bangkokbois said:
It seems to me there have been more and more plump boys on Soi Twilight over these last few years. But your friend would probably do best at Tawan – ‘beefy’ seems to be the operative build and there are always a few guys who would not be considered muscle gods in anyone’s definition.
He may also want to check out Bearbie on Soi 4, it’s a karaoke bar for bears and chubby chasers.
ChristianPFC said:
Bangkok’s gay saunas are full of chubby guys, and you don’t have to buy drinks to get in.
Bangkokbois said:
You can usually find them at any McDonalds too. They may not be gay, but fatties are usually desperate, so . . .
Aaron said:
*gasp* that’s terrible!
I’ll let him know. Much mahalos!
Bangkokbois said:
Some chubby Thai will be a lucky man!