With the Turtle Ass Awards counting for less than 8% of the posts on this blog, but responsible for driving 83% of the traffic to these pages over the last few weeks, it appears to be a popular category. Mmmm, gay guys appreciating bitchy comments. Who’da thunk.
It’s way past time for a naming a new Turtle Ass Award recipient, but I’ve been busy goading the lunatics in the hall over at Baht Stop into posting numerous links to my blog, making me feel like a successful version of the 456. But without the projectile vomiting.
We Want. Your. Visitors.
Showing their willingness to sacrifice their young, the BS parade of bumblers successfully followed a trail of bread crumbs the size of elephant dung that Ray Charles could have navigated with his arms tied behind his back, hit the intended mark, and then immediately veered off like a glob of lougey ricocheting off the rubber walls of their room back into the safe arms of lala land, getting lost once again in the shady world of hydra posters. It was kinda like watching a group of epileptics breakdance:
And now the Baht Stop Dance Troupe will perform Shake Your Groove Thang!
Guys, and I use that term loosely, your efforts drove a groundswell of new visitors to my pages greatly improving my blog’s Google rankings. Thank you. Please keep up the good work. I do owe a bit of an apology to the gene pool over at BS, though. I was surprised to find some rational posters amongst the crazies. My condolences. To both of you.
So, time to present the Inaugural Turtle Ass Award for Individual Achievement In Forum Posting, and winnowing the potential award winner list has been a difficult chore. Of course I immediately thought of Let Me Tell You for so breathlessly mangling the English language. But to be fair, his enthusiasm at times is contagious. And at times I’m sure other parts of his body are too. Reading a LMTU post is like navigating a hedge maze blindfolded while wading through an ocean of quicksand. But other than the occasional headache from trying to decipher his dibble, LMTU is really quite harmless. Annoying, filled with delusions of adequacy, but ultimately harmless. And certainly isn’t worthy of an award that could easily prompt a “You like me! You really Like me!” moment. So no dice.
I considered that clunky bag of boners know as Smiles as a Turtle Ass Award recipient. But he’s kind of a harmless doddering old cunt. And it’s rude to speak ill of the dead. Besides, his He-Was-Not-A-Bar-Boy boyfriend, Suphot, has a nice ass. An incredibly nice ass. In any case, we all know that some day soon Smiles will be loading live ammo into that gun on his avatar and finally giving us all something to Smiles about. So Smiles is out of the running. For now.
I thought maybe that prissy little ball of blubbering rancor, Thaiworthy, would make a good candidate. Not that little has ever been used as an adjective for TW before. But TwoTonWorthy is easy to offend and I know if I sugar coated my comments for him, he’d probably try to eat those too. TwoTon: quit cramming food into your mouth when you type, you know you can’t chew and concentrate at the same time. Bitch slap worthy, but no award.
I finally decided the award should go to someone who proves that while cliches by definition are over used, they still hold some validity. In this case: Children Should be Seen and Not Heard. The first Turtle Ass Award for Outstanding Achievement For An Individual Poster Of Absolutely No Note* goes to Beachlover. And that’s not being mean. Beachy just sprouted major wood seeing his name appear on his computer screen.
Bitchlover brought my blog to the attention of the readers over at SGT. But after an hour of getting a big zero in response to his original post, he took the contrary view and responded to himself. The boy does like to hear himself type. It’s okay that you changed your mind Bitchy, just wondering what you did with the diaper. I keep expecting to run across a three page thread with Bitchy being the sole poster throughout.
Bitchlover jumped into the foray of fools posturing that they knew who I was without bothering to look first, stating he was 70% sure of his guess. Which only goes to show you that 30% of his brain is responsible for 100% of his intellect. Sad to see in someone so young. There are some major drool-down-the-chin moments in store for you in your golden years Bitchy.
BTW, Bitchy? You actually did a search on your name on a blog less than a month old to see if you’d been mentioned yet? I bet you routinely Google your real name for proof of your existence too.
In fear of being the Jeopardy answer without a question, Bitchy posts with a regularity that would make the folks at Ex-Lax jealous. Unfortunately most of his drivel could put No-Doz to sleep. Thanks to holding the record for the most posts on every forum that’s ever crossed his computer screen, presenting this award to anyone else just doesn’t seem right.
But Bitchy’s avenue for posturing is quickly dwindling. Having been already kicked off two boards, an amazing accomplishment in itself, the I Am Feeble Hear Me Roar gang over at Baht Stop is currently running a poll on his removal from their ward. Not a new act for the Baht Stop tribe, they relish voting their friends, family, and cellmates off their island.
Fuck, BS, now you went and made me make you the Kanye West to Beachlover’s Taylor Swift, stealing all the thunder on his night of glory. Sorry Bitchy.
Beachlover: You suck. I know, not inspired, but there’s your name in bright lights once again. So the most recent Turtle Ass Award goes to you. I’m sure you’ve already tweeted your acceptance speech. And did so again in the time it took me to type that. Now that you’ve reached the pinnacle of your forum posting career, do us all a favor and retire.
Oh, and, Boo Boo? Nah . . . kidding! Psyche!
* I know, long award title, but if I left any bandwidth, Bitchy would fill it up with more senseless posts.
Michael Lomker said:
My favorite from SGT was GoneFishing. He seems to be gone now. Quite the peach, he was.
dropdeadguys said:
Yes, he did have his way. Maybe I’ll have to do a special Turtle Ass Award honoring posters no longer with us . . .
Jeffrey Monsoon said:
OMG, I hope I can pick myself up off the floor and stop laughing long enough to post a reply. I’ve never read a more spot on analysis of the all too frequent over-posters on the various blogs about Thailand. I do owe Beachlover a debt of gratitude for posting about your blog, and providing me with hours of laugh out loud entertainment.
dropdeadguys said:
Cool Jeffrey – you are now my #1 fan!
Or maybe that’s my only fan . . .
Glad you’ve been enjoying my blog.
Nick said:
The problem with a poster flooder like BL is that even he cannot remember everything. He constantly tries to make us believe in the carefully crafted and manicured persona of a cool, mid-20s Sydney-based Asian Donald Trump in the making (heck, he even blacks out parts of photos so as not to give the ‘game’ away). Too often though the cracks appear and he contradicts himself. Is that any wonder given the positions he adopts and the remarkable amount of rubbish he posts? It’s when his language increasingly takes a nosedive gutterwards and the pit bull mentality comes front and centre at the remotest hint of an attack against the veracity of his silly utterances that he reveals himself to be a cheap, petty, far more than middle-aged crank of the type he tells us ad nauseam he despises. Would any ‘real’ busy young entrepreneur based more than 6,000 kms away from Thailand have either the remotest desire or such vast amounts of free time time to troll around the Thailand boards? Of course not! He’s a pathetic sham!
let me tell u said:
Well this is amazing I don’t know what to say, well I do, but you say you need to take the Queens English lessons to read and understand it.
I must thank Bitchlover for being so bitchy he is swimming in his own poison, I must thanks GAY BUTTON who I would have thought would be at least Nominated, I was looking for my Nominated members freebie present pack, but I expect its in the post.
I must thank Smiles for being so dry he is just about able to wet the cold snow of Canada, it a shame ‘lonely wombat’ was also not nominated for the gun who loads the bullets, with his info on all he does not like being fed to all his major flaming friends, Mr. Flaming Flooder is his name and I do hope he lives long enough to be Nominated for next years awards,
I could go on and on but I don’t want to sound like bitchy talking a lot of “Pot filled truffles” no one could talk such shit about nothing, but him if any body is not understood it must be him, he would jump in a fire if he thought he could throw poison on to it to put out his next contender for a Fight,
Thank you for the chance to be someone famous once in my life, even though I know I wont go down in history as the best writer, at least I like to think I’m Interesting and controversial enough for visitors to the site to want to cum back time and time again.
saying as you do can we have some more.
dropdeadguys said:
Sorry LMTU, you lost me with your first sentence. But thanks for demonstrating you have the same high degree of skill in both writing and reading English.
Thanks for playing, though . . .
Matt said:
Very funny article!
A future honorable mention might be awarded to “fountainhall” — the only poster I’ve ever blocked on one board. On another board, Gaythailand, he has been posting any topic under the sun on the Thailand forum. Senility setting in or just a clod?
Nick said:
Wrong! He has been posting according to the written Board owner instructions that all posts go on the Gaythailand forum and not on any other forum. Lord knows why, but that’s been the rule there for many months.
Richard said:
While I completely agree that Beachlover earned this award, I do have to wonder at you for bothering to read him enough to give it to him. You must be very Masochistic.
dropdeadguys said:
I’d have to disagree with you Richard. Reading Beachy’s posts does not make me masochistic. Clicking over to see what the nutters at Baht Stop are up to . . . now that’s a different story.
Smiles said:
Centuries ago ~ that’s the ‘doddering’ part I guess ~ high school friends (The Boys of course) used to chime in ” … but a cunt’s useful … “ whenever the opportunity made itself obvious (Back then, a LOT … gash being bloody everywhere).
But I appreciate the opportunity to navel-gaze and ponder my own usefulness every so often . . . and at the same time coming in only 3rd. Or was it 2nd?
So then, missing out on 1st makes me either a cunt?, or useless?, or both?
Depressing.
dropdeadguys said:
Smiles!
You’re alive!
Who’da guessed . . .
Not winning the award is your own damn fault. Posting a photo of Suphot’s naked ass, instead of flimsily covered, would have tipped the scales. It’s not too late, I know the accounting firm that tallies the votes and they are easily bought off. Now if you want to make yourself useful . . .
(And seriously dude, then we’re talking a Tip of the Hat Award for both of you – if not all three of you if you frame the shot right – not some crappy little Turtle Ass honor.)
Tobi said:
OMG.
I’m working my way backwards through your delightful, entertaining, thought-provoking and educational meanderings and pissing myself laughing, especially at the above until you reached the award-winner [gasp] Beachlover.
I happened to make my first post on a forum a day or two ago (admittedly, not my finest hour) and got soaked in lukewarm venom after mentioning – in all innocence – the magic word.
Kempinski.
Oh, I also used the word “mate”.
I’ve been rumbled. They know. It’s a fact. I’m “Beachy”. Returned. In disguise.
I usually take most bloggers musings with Lot’s wife. I’m now taking yours as gospel!
Tobi. x
Bangkokbois said:
LOL!
My Xmas wishes have come true!