Oh, excuse fucking me! I totally left a large portions of readers hanging without a clue as to what to do next when I covered the previous steps for the first timer navigating the world of gay gogo bars in Bangkok. Seemed to be pretty thorough to you? Yup, me too. Until I remembered that newbies to the world of gay gogo bars in Thailand are not as familiar with the denizens of the bar world and may find that the hottie they brought back to the hotel is not a dude but instead is a dudette. Or a dudette wanna be. Or a dud that’s not a dude but not yet a dudette. Ah, screw it. Now I’m as confused as you.

How does this happen? Maybe you decided you weren’t as gay as you thought you were. Or just plain old chickened out, and decided to off a woman from the bar instead. Or maybe you like twinks and failed to notice the twink you liked had breasts (‘cuz gay guys unlike their straight counterparts do not look at chests. We look at crotches.) More likely, you were so drunk you didn’t pay any attention to what it was you bought at the bar. Whatever the reason, when you get back to your hotel room and find out your date for the night is a chick with a dick, no problemo: here are your options of what to do when your new friend turns out to be a ladyboy:

1. Scream loudly and faint. You actually fainted? Dude, you are so gay! In this case, forget the sex. The two of you will have a grand time discussing the latest fashions coming out of Paris. You can do each others’ nails and discuss whether Brad Pitt or Ashton Kutcher is hotter. You may not have gotten any sex, but you’ll have a new girlfriend in Bangkok and I’m sure the two of you will have a Fabulous time.

2. Scream and punch the bitch. This is not an appropriate reaction. But understandable. And proof that you still have some testosterone. The only problem with this approach is when she gets up off the floor she will beat the living shit out of you. Thai ladyboys may look like demure, lissome and frail creatures, but most spent time as Muay Thai boxers in their earlier years. Just messing up their hair is reason enough to floor you. That you dare to raise a hand to them means hospital time for you. At least one of your nurses at the hospital will also be a ladyboy. And will take sadistic pleasure in making sure your recovery is a painful one. Option 2 also means no sex, unless you are a masochist.

3. Scream and roll around on the floor in helpless fits of laughter. See option #2. You won’t be hospitalized in this case, but will probably sprout a black eye if you do not quickly sprout wood. If you realize your health is at stake and quit laughing long enough to wave a handful of baht at her, you’ll be okay. When money is to be made, your outburst will be forgiven. Her Thai-ness will overtake her ladyboy-ness.

4. Scream and notice your dick is suddenly exceptionally hard. Congrats. You just learned something new about yourself. Now man up and go for it. The only problem with this option is that you’ll probably discover the chick’s dick is bigger than yours. You’d think tiny cock syndrome would be a leading reason for guys to decide to become girls. Instead, in Thailand, the ladyboys are usually sporting wood you’d expect to find on a Nubian buck. Or a horse. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, or who gives a fuck, straight guys who off ladyboys almost always want to be fucked. With a big dick. Personally I can’t get my mind around the ‘straight’ claim when taking a huge dick up their ass is what gets them hard. I don’t care if there are tits attached. A cock in your ass is a cock in your ass. But I won’t complain. Let the ‘straight’ boys play. It keeps the Thai ladyboys employed.

Ladyboys, or Katoey as they are known locally, are a common and integral part of Thai society. You’ll see ladyboys working in retail outlets all around Bangkok, as well as in banks, restaurants and of course, bars. There are several ladyboy bars in the Sukhumvit area and it’s not by chance that these places open around the straight sex touri world of Nana Plaza instead of the gay bar enclave of Soi Twilight. There are also several ladyboy cabaret shows that pull in large number of touri nightly. But ladyboys do find work in the gay bars too. Often as mamasans. And almost every gay gogo bar has at least one ladyboy number in their nightly show. It’s difficult to visit Thailand without running into a ladyboy. But then maybe that’s not a bad thing . . . sure gives you an excuse for an ‘accidental’ experience with what could become the woman of your dreams.

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