Welcome to Thailand. And welcome to Suvarnabhumi Airport, the longest airport in the world. After having just spent some 20 hours sitting down, you will be in need of some exercise. So the architects built Suvarnabhumi to ensure you get it. When you disembark, expect a 5 mile hike to reach the immigration area. But there are several ‘moving sidewalks’ along the way. These have been installed not to make your journey easier, but rather to help initiate you into the unique Asian method of sidewalk use. Participation is not voluntary. Your fellow travellers of Asian heritage will demonstrate: Find preferred spot on sidewalk. Spread out. Block usage by any other living creature for as long as you want to stand there. Study this technique now as you will experience it daily during your visit to Bangkok.

This demonstration will be quickly followed by an Asian cultural technique most often used in doorways, but suitable for any spot where egress is the norm. When you get to the end of the moving sidewalk and reach solid ground, stop. Spend a few moments considering the life choices you’ve made over the last decade. Do not be concerned about those piling up behind you. As they are behind you, they are obviously inferior creatures and as such do not rate your consideration. Again, mastering this technique now is advised; you’ll be able to use it whenever you leave or enter a crowded place during the next few weeks.

Two hours later, when you have finally reached the immigration area and have been resuscitated by the paramedics you will be initiated into another Asian cultural phenomenon. It’s called the queue. It is vaguely similar to what we call a line in America and looks remarkably similar. Start by finding the shortest line of touri waiting to be processed by the immigration officials (which in reality will be the slowest moving line). Make sure this line is not in front of an immigration station that says ‘Thai Nationals’. Otherwise you’ll spend hours in line and get laughed at when you finally reach the front. Take a spot at the back of the correct line. Wait patiently. When it looks like there is movement and a possible opening at the front, push, shove, and bully your way to the front of the line. This is Darwinism at its finest; only the strongest survive. (The Asian queue technique is not to be confused with the Russian queue technique which you will see demonstrated by some of your fellow passengers. This method involves immediately shoving your way to the front of a line in a drunken stupor and then bellowing loudly as though you do not understand English or the Asian queue custom when you are pushed to the back of the line by the Thai Nazi immigration folk.)

When you finally make it to the front of the line you will be given a warm greeting by an immigration official. The sole qualification for a job working the immigration counter in Thailand is to be one of the only natives of the Kingdom genetically incapable of smiling. Thailand may be the land of Smiles, but you ain’t in Thailand until you get past this surly lot. Do not engage them in small talk. This will only slow down the procedure. Stand on the marked spot, look at the camera for your immigration picture (do not be concerned that you look like shit, this is Thailand. The camera does not work.) The immigration officer will stamp a bunch of papers that have nothing to do with your entry and will then slip your immigration card into your passport and slap it on top of the counter. Watch your hands. Make a sharp right, a sharp left, and walk out to the Baggage Claim area. BTW, your immigration card is twice the size of your passport but must be retained with your passport at all times. That it doesn’t fit without multiple folds is not Thailand’s fault. Your passport was made the wrong size. You’ll need this card when you leave the country. If you lose it there will be a fine and you might even get your ass thrown in jail. You’ve been warned).

When you’ve collected your bags it is time to pass through customs. The green line is for people who play it safe. The red line is for people who like to live dangerously. In most cases, regardless of which line you choose, you will be either ignored or lackadaisically waved through. Unless you are carrying a Duty Free bag. This bag alerts customs officials that you may be part of a smuggling ring and are sneaking in an extra carton of cigarettes or extra bottle of booze. If you are travelling in a group, before reaching customs, a helpful non-customs official who looks like a real customs official may stop you and suggest only one of your group carry all of your group’s bottles and smokes through customs. This is to help you win a chance of being searched at the customs counter. Customs officials in Thailand are underpaid and it is your social obligation to assist in making up the shortfall. If you carry more than one bottle of booze or one carton of smokes through customs, they will be confiscated and divied up amongst the customs agents thrown away. You will also have to pay a few thousand baht fine to avoid jail. But you are lucky and blessed. Your fellow touri will have to wait before getting the chance to participate in a scam in Thailand. You got the experience without ever having to leave the airport.

Having survived both your flight and Thailand’s warm welcome to their country, you’ll now find yourself in the Arrivals Hall where you will be greeted by a mass of locals looking to score off of the fresh meat entering their country. Your intention will be to get into town and to your hotel. Their’s will be to help you do that and to see that you pay as much money as possible to do so. You’ll have several options. In order of expense, they are:

Hotel Limousine:

Being a savvy traveller you may have prebooked a ride through your hotel’s limousine service. This will cost between 600 and 1,200 baht depending on the hotel. Your driver will be waiting at the back of the throng where you cannot see him, holding a small card with your name badly misspelled. The airport authorities have recognized finding your pre-booked driver may be difficult so they have instigated a policy to help you. Instead of having your driver wait at the arrivals area, he may instead be at the ‘Meeting Area’ an officially unmarked space which is on a different floor in a different section of the airport. I’d tell you which floor and area, but it is changed often to help avoid confusion.

When you finally find your guy, he’ll lead you out to the limousine. Limousine is Thai for small, but clean, Toyota. If you are travelling solo, no problemo. If you are travelling with a friend, it’ll be a tight fit and half your luggage will share the passenger area of the limo. If there are three or more of you, you will have to abandon at least one of your party at the airport. Good riddance.

AOT Limousine:

If you did not prebook a limo, you may do so at the airport. Helpful Thai ladies circulate just inside the arrival area to help you arrange transportation. If you miss them, no worries. More will be waiting just outside the arrivals area. Inside they call their cars limousines, outside they call them taxis. Do not worry they are the same, the AOT girls are only trying to help by speaking your language. This option will cost you between 600 and 1,200 baht depending on which type of vehicle you select and how gullible you are. If you decide to book the services of an AOT limo, this is a good time to begin practicing your bartering skills. Once you have agreed on how much you will be ripped off, you will be led outside to a limo. See the limo explanation in the previous section.

Taxi:

Your third option is the taxi, or taxi meter, not to be confused with the taxi the AOT girls offer when you are at the arrivals hall, which is a limo . . that looks like a taxi . . . Uh, never mind. If you look closely, there are signs to lead you to the taxi area. Well, there are signs to lead you halfway to the taxi area. The airport could not afford the final directional signs to actually get you there, so you’ll have to figure the last half out on your own. Since the airport’s debut, this area has been moved three times. Do not assume I have updated information. There is a good chance the taxi area will be on the floor below the arrivals area. Find a set of escalators that will take you there.

Thailand tradition requires all employers to hire four time the number of employees it actually takes to do a job. It is much like the way federal, state, and city agencies work back in the States. You will meet the first non-working-working Thai at the foot of the escalator. This lady’s job is to help you and your luggage cart off the escalator, However, she will be staring aimlessly in the opposite direction and will miss your arrival at the foot of the escalator. The second non-working-working Thai you’ll meet at the taxi line.

When you get outside look for a set of counters with long lines of cheap touri bunched up. This is the taxi line. Or one of them. There is probably another one with no one in line because touri are like lemmings and are willing to follow anyone who leads them over whatever cliff is available. Take your pick, lemming or trail blazer. The non-working-working Thai girl at the taxi counter is there to translate your poor English into Thai for the taxi driver. She does not speak English. Welcome to Thailand. Now your natural inclination would be to say: “Good Morning! We would like a taxi to go to our hotel, the Dusit Thani in Silom on Rama 4 Road, please.” Too much English, too confusing. Instead you should say, “Silom, Dusit Thani.” She will only understand the Silom part anyway. She’ll scribble on a piece of paper and hand it to the smiling taxi driver who will lead you to his taxi. The taxi will be a Toyota, garishly painted. Note it is the same make and model as the limousines hired by your richer fellow touri. (Please review size warnings under ‘Limousines’.)

This option will cost you between 300 and 800 baht. The taxi meter option is less expensive than the limo options because the taxi will use a meter to determine the cost of your fare. Hence, the ‘taxi meter’. However, this is Thailand. So the taxi driver will not use the meter. He will instead quote a fixed price depending on how rich and stupid you appear your destination. The Thai people want to ensure you have the opportunity of fully immersing yourself in their culture. If you missed out on participating in the customs scam, you’ll have a chance to make up for that loss by participating in the Taxi Meter No Meter Scam.

As you drive away your taxi driver, after attempting to discover your destination, will turn to you and say, “500 baht”. (More if you look like a real fool). Stupid touri will agree. But you are smarted than the average bear. Instead, ruin his day. Point at the meter (a small box in the middle of the dashboard area), and say “Meter.” He will scowl. But will turn the meter on and save you about 200 baht on your trip.

Wary touri will have by now determined the Thai people are out to scam you at every opportunity. So you will be thinking, “Another scam!” when the driver asks if you want to take the highway. It is not a scam. It is a quicker route into town. Quicker being a relative term. But you will have to pay toll fees, probably at two toll plazas depending on your destination. These will run you 25 baht and 45 baht. It’s good to have the exact change to pass to your driver. This will avoid confusion when you are tallying up what you owe at the end of the ride. When you get to your hotel, the driver will add 50 baht to what is displayed on the meter. This also is not a scam. There is a 50 baht charge for using a taxi meter at the airport. Well, it is a scam, but one imposed by the Thai government. In any case, you do owe the 50 baht and you pay it to the driver.

As scam prone as the Thais are, the typical ‘run up the meter by taking you out of your way’ scam is not one used in Thailand. Your driver may have no clue as to where your hotel is. He may take you on a long ride trying to find it. He may stop often and ask others how to get to your hotel. But this is because he is an ignorant farmer from the North and has only been in Bangkok for two days. Having a small map of your hotel’s location will help you avoid this confusion.

Tipping the driver? Keep in mind that Thais do not tip. If you must, rounding up to the nearest baht bill is fine. However, if you would normally tip the driver, but think you shouldn’t because he tried to scam you, please ignore you petty revenge fantasy. Scamming you was not personal. He was just trying to get a few extra baht to feed his wife and children (or to pay for his growing yaba addiction). Go ahead and give him a few baht. It’s the Buddhist thing to do.

Skytrain:

You may want to skip reading this section as most Touri skip selecting this option. The newest transportation option at Bangkok’s airport is the Airport Link Skytrain, part of Bangkok’s mass transit light rail system, also known as the BTS. Like when using the taxi option, poor signage will almost direct you to the skytrain boarding area on the bottom floor of the airport. There are two types of trains available. The Express Line, which runs every 30 minutes and should take 15 minutes to get you into town, costs 150 baht. The City Line, costs 45 baht to the end station (Phaya Thai ) and runs every 15 minutes and takes 30 minutes making eight stops along the way. Uh, yes, your math is correct: the waiting time and travel time for both lines adds up to 45 minutes.

The Express Line stops at the Makkasan station. From here you can catch a taxi to your hotel. However, since few people use this line, there are no taxis waiting. If you do find a taxi, added to the cost of the skytrain, you’ll pay about the same as if you’d taken a taxi to begin with, give or take a buck. You can also transfer over to the MRT station (Bangkok’s underground light rail system) at the nearby Petchaburi MRT station. If needed, from the MTR you can transfer to the BTS for a stop at the station closest to your hotel. From the Makkasan station you will have to lug your suitcases down two flights of stairs and across a busy road of traffic to get to the MTR station. Your luggage will be inspected at the entrance to the MRT station. Neither the MTR or BTS have room allowance for luggage and both are usually crammed full of locals.

The City Line eventually stops at the Phaya Thai station where you will be able to catch a taxi to your hotel. With the cost of the skytrain you will pay about 200 baht for your ride into Bangkok, saving you about $3.00 from what a taxi from the airport would have cost. You also could transfer to the BTS at Phaya Thai to the BTS station closest to your hotel, though you may have to change trains at Siam if your station is on a different line. And once you get to your destination station you’ll have to lug your suitcases down two flights of stairs (and through Bangkok’s bustling streets to get to your hotel).

You can also use the BTS/MRT/Air Link option on your way home. The Makkasan Station is set up to check your luggage in before you get to the airport. But only if you fly Thai Air or Bangkok Airways.

Oh, and both lines only operate between 6am and midnight.

Confused? No worries. Obviously the Thai planners for this system of public transport were as confused as you are since the resulting trip will be more costly and tiring than if you’d just grabbed a taxi in the first place.

Bus:

Your last transportation option is the bus. You one cheap mofo, you know that? The damn taxi is only gonna cost you like $10. If you can’t afford a taxi, go home. I’m not gonna tell you a thing about taking the bus from the airport. It’s way below my radar and I haven’t a clue. And you are not worth my time trying to find out this information. Fuck off. (And once again I thank the gods I didn’t sign up for Google’s Ad Words for this blog.)

Welcome to Thailand. Hope you made it safely to your hotel. Now get out there and party!